Beyond the "Shades of Gray"

Because Homosexuality is the Symptom, Not the Solution

I Felt "Different" Inside:
Many people who experience homosexual desires will tell you that they remember feeling "different" from a very early age. But I'll tell you that no one feels "different" because they are homosexual. But rather, feeling "different" is one of the things that foster the homosexual desires in us.

With regard to how the same-sex attractions I experienced came about, there are several things from my childhood that I am able to identify with certainty. So I'll mention each of those here. But I should also preface such things by saying that I don't blame either of my parents, or anyone else, for what took place in my younger years. I love and honor both of my parents immensely, and I know now that they've always desired the very best for both me and my sister. Yet each of us lives in a world where we are held prisoners by sin. And as a child, I fell victim to sin's web, just as each and every one of us eventually does, in one way or another, during our lifetime.

In my situation, I felt "different" because I never saw myself as the son who was uniquely treasured, inside a safe, secure and stable place within his father's heart. I didn't feel "safe" in the way a child should be made to feel safe, because Dad's heart toward me seemed to me to be rocky and unstable ground, that often turned into an avalanche of what I perceived to be resentment and anger towards me, because of (or so I thought it was because of) my own misbehavior. And so I began to loose sight of the truly affirming things that will allow a boy to know in his heart that he is uniquely treasured, in spite of his failures. And I turned to superficial things that were available to me instead, and which became substitutes for the much needed sense of value that I was missing inside of myself with my own Dad.

Such affirmations are what eventually allow a boy to see himself as a man, from deep within his own heart and soul. And with that loss for me came an inwardly distorted image of how genuine love and affection are given and received. I turned to other males to find the affirmation that I actually desired from my Dad, and my desire for it became sexualized in adolescence. And that is the simple explanation of how a homosexual orientation came about in my situation. But I will attempt to explain this with greater clarity in the paragraphs below.

I Never "Connected" With My Dad:
The troubled perspective I had of my relationship with my Dad was the first and biggest influence that caused me to feel "different" about myself inside, because the foundation of that central relationship with one's own father has such a great deal of influence and impact upon all of the other relationships that we (both men and women) experience later on in life.

During my childhood, it seemed to me that having my Dad's love and approval was the result of living up to his expectations of me. But at the same time, I felt that I wasn't doing a very good job of that. And so I developed a distorted picture of my father's love as being conditional, rather than unconditional. I think this was partially because Dad was never one to restore any hope or self-worth back into us after the discipline he gave. There was never any affirmation of his love within the correction. And these two must always go hand in hand in order to take a child's mistake and turn it into a positive learning experience.

I think Dad often took it personally, the things we'd done wrong. And so he often disciplined us while he was still angry at us, which caused more fear and intimidation in us, than it did remorse. And I felt more timid and awkward about myself, than I ever felt guided or corrected.

Along with the spankings he gave us, Dad would tear us down emotionally with stern and angry words for the things we were being punished for. And then he would neglect to build us up again once he'd calmed down, in order to encourage and restore the confidence we had in his love toward us thereafter. It was like living from one failure to the next, in a system where each bad mark seemed to wipe away all of the good ones I'd managed to accumulate up to that point.

As a boy, my fear of my Dad's anger grew to the point that I would try to hide things from my parents, even a bodily injury, for fear of getting in trouble over it. For example, in elementary school, I backed into a metal tether-ball pole, and the D-ring that was welded to it cut a deep gash into the back of my head. But I hid it for hours, until the teacher finally noticed the blood running down the back of my neck, and rushed me to the school nurse.

And then on a family camping trip one year, I spilled my motor cycle on a dirt trail I was riding, and I got a few cuts and bruises out of it. But the first thing I was worried about was any visible damage to the bike. There was none, and so the important thing to me was that my Dad would not have to know about it.

I began to equate discipline with personal failure rather than correction, feeling like I had less value and worth to my Dad when I'd get into trouble over something. And I felt that I'd have to do better in order to gain it back. So I began to be very critical of myself as I got older, and I took the punishment Dad gave me very personally, feeling like I didn't measure up to his expectations. And the obvious result was that I felt awkward inside, having very little self-confidence and a low self-esteem. To me, my purpose in life was to please my Dad and stop making him angry at me. But I couldn't figure out how. I came to know my Dad quite well as the disciplinarian. But knowing him as "Father" was something I had very little grasp of.

In my desire to feel accepted, I quickly learned to perform the image of the "good little boy" that seemed to bring out the greatest amount of praise back from people toward me. But I never remember actually feeling inside like I fit the role for the part I was trying to portray. And praise becomes an empty substitute for a genuine feeling of being loved and accepted. This is not at all to suggest that I wasn't loved by my Dad. But I will suggest that he didn't know how to express his love in a very uplifting way. And the simple fact is that at an early age I began looking to fill up that emptiness I felt inside, by looking in the wrong places for some sense of what I desired. And I did so with a distorted sense of what genuine love actually is, or what it was supposed to "feel" like.

As for life itself, from my childhood I set out on a journey to figure it out mostly on my own. I had the boundaries that were set by Dad's discipline, without the positive guidance that I needed from him, through the simple interaction of the good relationship I could have otherwise had with him. And in trying to figure life out on my own, as I grew older, I began to look for what was lost between me and my Dad, within my relationships with other young men who were my age. I needed Dad's guidance. But I also needed to feel good about myself, and so I avoided interaction with him. And eventually, the boy bacame the man who made the powerfully influential mistake of trying to gain these things back sexually with other men.

My Dad's Alcohol Addiction:
My Dad is not a bad person. In fact, he can be quite loving toward people when he is in his right mind. But the one thing that so negatively influenced my Dad's behavior towards us, more than anything else, was his chemical dependency on alcohol. And as much as the alcoholism influenced a change for the worse in Dad's personality, it also severely hindered the relationship I desired to have with him. I could never find a way around the walls it seemed to build between him and me, in order to know my Dad in the way I truly wanted to.

I developed a growing disdain for the person my Dad would become when he'd had too much to drink, because I couldn't respect the person he became while he was in that condition. I feared the quick temper the alcohol gave him and I hated the way he treated my Mom when he got that way. And the rude attitude he could sometimes take toward guests in our home was often times very uncomfortable and embarrassing to the rest of us.

With each passing year, I saw my Dad like this more and more often. I can still remember comparing mine and Dad's relationship with those relationships I witnessed between my friends and their Dads. And I wondered at the time why it seemed so easy for them to interact with their Dads, while there seemed to be such a barrier between my Dad and me. Then in the limited interaction I did experience with my Dad, it just didn't seem to measure up to what I needed and desired from him. And for that reason, at the point when most boys begin to interact with their Dads more and more, I pulled away from mine and sought more interaction, influence and emotional support from my Mom. And as I got older I think Mom also began to lean more upon me as well, for the emotional support that she needed in the situation.

All these years later, I still dread it today when I have to cope with my Dad while he's in a drunken condition. So I'm convinced that this one sickness and addiction of his did more to sever the relationship I desired to have with my Dad, than did any other cause. And I believe that many of the other identifiable "problems" our family faced probably stemmed from trying to cope with this one.

Competing for Dad's Affection:
Another of the possible reasons for my insecurity, where my Dad's love for me was concerned, was that I grew up with one other sibling; a younger sister. Because I could clearly see a distinct difference in my Dad's treatment of the both of us.

Without a doubt, if my Dad was stern with me, it seemed he was even harder on my sister. And so I know that it was even harder for her to relate to him. So you might think, "Then what's the problem? You had it easier than your sister did." But this unequal treatment of my sister also made me feel very uneasy inside. Unfulfilling though it was, I still felt like I was the favorite. And so I think I wondered when I might do something to slip into "second place." And again, that made love something to be earned; a competition, rather than a gift given away freely and unconditionally.

Self Confidence, Loyalty & Intimidation Issues:
Conflict is sometimes, unfortunately, a necessary part of life. I say unfortunately, because conflict with other people is usually an uncomfortable thing to have to deal with. At least, it certainly has been for me. But that is not to imply that conflict is always a bad thing if, for example, one is standing up for what is right. And so I strongly believe that a boy needs to learn to have some "backbone" of his own, in learning how to stand up for himself. But this confidence was something that eluded me as a boy.

As I became a young adult, I'd established a pattern of making many choices and decisions simply to avoid the risk of disappointing my Dad, (or far worse, making him angry at me). It was a pattern of avoiding risk and conflict.

Trying never to "rock the boat" in this manner, with Dad, and then with others, eventually caused major, self-confidence issues for me in negotiating life's most common crossroads. Things like making the right and courageous choices, rather than allowing intimidation to influence me into making a weaker choice that is really only intended to try to please other people.

As an example, my Dad owned his own business and equipment, and worked as a landscaping contractor. And I remember that from the time I was old enough to handle a shovel, a rake and a broom, how my Dad began taking me to work with him at residential construction sites on the weekends, and also during my summer breaks from school. But it didn't take me much more than one or two summers of that to realize that I had no desire to "carry on the family business," once my Dad retired from it. I simply didn't like it!

Now my Dad had taken over this business from my Grandpa Dean, the man who had raised him. And so I sensed that there was this expectation hanging over me that I would follow on in their footsteps, and in turn one day take it over from my Dad also. But sometime shortly after I'd figured out for myself that I didn't want to do that, one of the men who had worked faithfully for my Dad for several years, asked me about such things. This was during a moment while I was alone with him on a job site we were working that summer. And as I revealed to him that my desire was to do something other than taking over the business from my Dad, this man felt it was then his place and responsibility to tell me what a "f - - - ing little bastard" I was, for not being "loyal" to my Dad. It turned my self-confidence to tears, and I think that I felt smaller that day than I have ever felt before or since. I never did tell my Dad of that conversation that summer, because I was made to feel that my own ambitions were disloyal and misplaced. No doubt that it also made me angry and bitter inside. But I still reasoned that I had somehow received the verbal lashing that I had actually deserved that day.

Choice vs. loyalty was again an issue for me, in March of my ninth-grade school year, when I was confronted with the strong persuasion of my Dad's spoken sentiment, that I'd be better off if I didn't attend a friend's funeral. So I followed my Dad's wishes, and I went to work with him that Saturday instead of attending the funeral of this long-time, childhood friend.

I realize now that Dad was only trying to protect me out of his own uncomfortable reluctance to confront death, and he wanted to spare me the pain he associated with death. But the only reason I made the choice that I did at the time was because I understood this to be the very thing my Dad had wanted me to do, and I was trying to keep him happy. Yet I knew deep down inside of me that this was the wrong decision to make for me personally.

This boy had been my first friend, and my first "best friend." We had known each other since our kindergarten year of school, and had spent many hours together at each other's homes. But he had suddenly died that week from medical complications that arose because he'd had diabetes that had gone undetected, and he'd slipped into a diabetic coma following a flu diagnosis, when it had actually been his diabetes that had made him so ill.

I suffered from nightmares for years afterwards, out of the guilt I felt over not having attended his memorial service, and also because of the shame and remorse I felt that we had not been as close in friendship at the time of his death as we had once been those years before. Yet my Dad never seemed to give notice to how much it bothered me that I was on the job with him that day, rather than at the funeral to say, "Goodbye," to my friend. I really wanted to be there. And I wanted to change my decision about not going, often stopping the work that I was doing in order to watch the time, as the hour of the memorial service approached. But I was too afraid to ask my Dad about it again, once he had taken me to the job site with him.

My Dad never tried to console me or even just reassure me that I had made a "right" choice in response to the strong pressure I had felt from his advice to not attend the memorial service. And though I have moved past the nightmares today and no longer have them, I still carry a sense of regret and hurt for choosing not to be there that day. And to some extent I probably always will.

Not Knowing How to Physically Defend Myself:
Wanting to avoid situations of conflict was certainly no different when it came to any type of physical conflict, either. So physical violence and fighting were also things I grew to fear, and tried to avoid.

For example, I remember one weekend while I was in the forth grade, that my sister had come home on her bicycle, crying, because some older boys had been picking on her while she had been playing in the play ground at our school.

My Dad became angered in hearing of this, and wasted no time in telling me to come with him where he put me on the back of his motorcycle, and we sped off to the school to find the boys who were responsible. When we arrived, we found the group of boys still there. My Dad asked me if I knew them, and I answered him that I did, recognizing all of them as older boys who attended our school in the grades above me. Then with no anticipation at all as to what my Dad was about to do next, he was sternly telling the boys that if they ever bothered my sister again, then "my son," (Dad now pointing at me) "has orders from me to kick each and every one of your a - - es!" Then, pointing his finger right back at the boys, he added, "Do you understand me?" They all nodded and then we sped off just as quickly as we had arrived.

I was terrified! And those boys were certainly scared enough of my Dad. But I felt completely powerless in that moment to ever be able to carry out my Dad's threat against them, should that need ever arise. I didn't even know how to fist-fight. So, needless to say, I avoided them as much as possible after that, in fear that they would probably want to turn the tables and take that little episode back out upon me in some way, even though they never did so.

Some time after that episode, however, my fear of physical violence did materialize. Me, my sister and a neighbor girl were playing around and acting silly one afternoon, hiding indoors and making noises through the screens when other kids passed by on our street. There was no maliciousness intended. But one kid thought we were teasing him and didn't take kindly to it at all. He became visibly angered, even swearing at us and making threats. And so we probably egged him on longer than we should have because of his reaction. A couple of weeks later, that same kid caught me alone in the school yard one weekend, and recognized me before I recognized him. And in his revenge, he slapped me around quite a bit, really embarrassing me in front of some other boys he was with; boys who were also my classmates. One of them, I pleaded with to tell the boy to stop slapping me. But he only added to the humiliation of being slapped repeatedly across the face by laughing at me with the others, and mocking the way I had asked him for help.

When my Dad heard what had happened, he embarrassed me further by asking me why I hadn't punched the kid. And when I confessed that I didn't know how to fight back, he finally took all of about five or ten minutes that afternoon, to try to show me how to fight and defend myself. And then Dad left it at that. I guess he thought that this was all the training or encouragement I needed. But aggression still seemed quite awkward to me, and I still didn't have any confidence in my own ability to be aggressive and defend myself, especially after that. It was also a reversal of the way I'd been taught to keep my hands to myself, up until that point. Needless to say, attending that school was a miserable experience for me after that.

Then in my seventh grade school year, I am still ashamed today that I didn't immediately "cowboy-up" and leave the bus to go after a bully kid, whom I didn't even know or provoke, but who chose to suddenly spit in my face as he was exiting. I should have got up and gone right after him, and at least tried to have whipped that kid's butt! Even if I would have lost the fight, I'd have felt much better about myself for doing something. But instead, I let the humiliation and embarrassment get the better of me, and I did nothing. And I felt like an absolute coward for it afterward.

The point of telling you these stories is that my self-confidence suffered because of things like these. And so self-confidence was often one of those things I came to admire and was attracted to in other boys.

A Physical Birth Defect:
I also grew to have some insecurities about a mild, physical birth defect that occurred at the very point of my physical gender. It is a not so uncommon condition called a Hypospadias.

Now there is no malice intent to be vulgar or crude here. But I felt that this birth defect was also important enough to describe, since it impacted my gender confidence in the way that it did.

Hypospadias is a condition in males wherein the urethra canal does not extend all the way to the end of the penis as it should, so that it opens more toward the bottom. It typically also causes a strange looking, half-foreskin that does not wrap around all the way to the bottom half of the penis. And although it was a very mild case I had, I was keenly aware of the fact that "mine was different than theirs."

Now you girls and women should easily be able to relate to this kind of physical association with gender and insecurity, if you instead consider your own awareness and comparisons of a certain physical anatomy trait which you all share, located on the upper-half of your frontal torso.

But boys and men are somehow keenly aware of their penis in such a way that they readily associate their "maleness" with it, in one way or another. And all of you men know exactly what I mean. For example, well on into the years of male adulthood, the boyhood rituals of joking and kidding with one another about "size" continues on. And the feelings of male inadequacy I felt over the differences associated with my physical birth defect were no less important to me than size, I assure you. And so it really affected me as a boy, being self-conscious about it whenever I had to shower in gym class with the other boys.

Thanks to another male taboo, most boys would never question another boy about his penis, for fear of being labeled a "fag." And so I was never teased about the birth defect. But I was also too young at the time to rationalize such fears away, and therefore never really stopped being self-conscious about it.

I think that perhaps this worry itself, together with the fact that I was also self-conscious about my weight, both served to make the physical appearance of a slender build, and of a "normal" penis, things that I fixated on. And thereafter, they became traits that I was also physically attracted to in men. More simply put: I desired to look the way "they" did physically, and so that inward desire also became sexualized as I matured into an adult.

an additional note: I did eventually have the Hypospadias repaired with corrective surgery. So if this birth defect is also a point of personal concern to anyone else reading this, then I recommend finding and visiting a reputable urologist in your area to investigate the surgical options that may also be available to you.

Dad's Unrealistic Expectations of Me:
As a teenager maturing into young adulthood, during those final years of living at home with my parents, the final yet enduring wound my Dad gave to me was in the ritual he began of reminding me on a regular basis that I was the last son in our family tree. And so, in his desire to see the family name carried on, he intentionally handed me the pressure and responsibility of "giving him a grandson." This was something that I, of course, had no real biological control over, and I knew it. But the fact remains that it was communicated to me often enough that it became burdensome, and it was yet another inroad of opportunity to carry an inward sense of failure with me into my adult life. And that's exactly the way it turned out, through no malicious intent on my part.

Today my Dad has two beautiful granddaughters I know he loves and treasures, and neither of whom I would ever trade for the whole world. Nor would he! But I and my wife simply did not birth the grandson I know that my Dad also desired, which left me with the feeling of not having fulfilled all of the expectations that my Dad seemed to depend so much upon in me.

I think that trying to meet Dad's expectations was probably what has also made me into the perfectionist that I tend to be today. And because I was always trying to prove my worth to him as a child, I often prefer to accomplish tasks on my own today, without asking anyone else for help. In fact, it even makes me a little edgy and uneasy inside when someone else steps in to help me, if I've not asked them to do so. It all stems right back to the child I once was, who wanted to accomplish things on his own, so that he could be appreciated. These are all silly and mostly superficial things, I know. But they are important things to a child, nonetheless. And so these also became sexualized in my ongoing search for expressions of self-worth, kindness and personal notice from other men I admired.

Finding Dad's Pornography:
The availability of pornography is a hindrance to any man who desires sexual purity. And when a boy sees it, it begins to distort the pure and holy image of sexuality that God intended him to have of himself, and of others.

The first pornography I ever saw was inside one of the filthiest legal magazines in existence at the time. It was one of my Dad's "Hustler" magazines that he kept out in the bathroom of his workshop, back home. I don't remember exactly how old I was at the time I found it. But the full-frontal, nude image of the two male transvestites in that particular issue was strange and bewildering to me; something I had no clue even existed before then. To me they looked like freaks of nature. "Real women with real breasts," I thought. "But how come they also have a penis," I wondered to myself? I had no idea how or why, and no one there to explain it to me. And I certainly wasn't going to ask Dad about it, since I'd probably get myself into trouble for finding the magazines and looking at them.

I never even came close to realizing at the time that those two "women" in the photo were actually both men, who had probably both used hormones to change their bodies into that strange and distorted form. And so the innocence of my childhood-reasoning which had always dictated to me that breasts meant "girl," and a penis meant "boy," was shaken and confused. And after that I was more curious to view other such magazines whenever I found them.

At first, looking at them gave me that same feeling I got the very first time I heard the "f-word" spoken aloud. Something about it just let me know that it was filthy, without anyone having to tell me so. And in the same way I knew that there was also something "dirty" about these magazines as well, without anyone having to tell me. But once I'd seen them, I looked for more of them every time I snooped around Dad's workshop.

I'd have been better off never seeing any pornography at all. Because as an adult, I began to view male homosexual pornography on the internet, as my preferred "porn fix." I had also long since discovered what masturbation was, and I eventually added this addictive behavior to the other one. And once I used male pornography and masturbation together, these co-addictions had an almost enslaving effect on me.

Pornography is powerfully intoxicating, and it's nothing to be taken lightly! That's why this junk has no place in the same home where we raise our children, or within the marriage vows we've made to our spouses. It only served to awaken and exacerbate temptations I was fighting to overcome, or to feed my curiosity toward homosexual experiences I hadn't yet tried.

No man who views any kind of pornography for pleasure, on a repeating basis, will ever discover his sexual fullness and purity, as God intended him to experience it. And no man who views pornography is strong enough to defend himself against the very real dangers of becoming addicted to it! Pornography is indeed addictive, and it entices toward many other sexual sins as well.

An Early Introduction to Sexual Activity:
Still another major influence, and probably the second biggest factor in the development of my homosexual issues, were my many insecurities in interacting with other boys. As I mentioned previously, my relationship with my Dad directly impacted my friendships and relationships with other boys.

I think, again, that my weight was also partly to blame. Or at least I perceived that it was. Because I was also teased and name-called a bunch by boys at school. And I think I most often felt that my weight was to blame for that. But whatever their reasons were for picking on me, even if just to hide their own insecurities behind mine, it was difficult for me to make friends in my elementary and middle school years. And I was willing to go to great lengths to maintain the friendships that I did make. For that reason, I was a willing participant in behaviors a child should not be exposed to.

With some of the friends I made, we'd sometimes find ourselves involved in mutually consenting situations of physical exploring, touching and experimentation. But then as I matured, so did the touching and experimentation, until it became sexual activity. The physical things we did may have begun as "normal" childhood curiosity. But that certainly changed as I got older. I was in the third grade when the first of a whole chain of such events took place in my life. And such was the apparent impact of that first episode on me that I still remember it as vividly as if it were yesterday:

It happened with a boy I had tried especially hard to befriend. He was a new kid in school who seemed fun and outgoing, and who was immediately popular among all of the other boys in my class. And so I was elated when he quickly warmed up to me in friendship.

He invited me for a sleep-over at his home. And while spending the night there, after his parents had gone to bed, it began when he encouraged me to go "streaking" with him. So we took off all of our clothes and went outside to run around in the nude, the only real object of the game being not to get caught doing it. And so it was an exciting and daring thing for boys to do. But after that "game" ended, he asked if I wanted to watch as his younger brother performed an act of oral copulation on him. Of course he didn't phrase it quite that way, but I curiously agreed.

After watching him and his brother, I felt a certain desire to be included, and an additional curiosity to also participate with them in the different roles of this "game." I did so, not wanting to be "left out," and being too naive to know the addictive impact such activity would have on me.

As a nine-year-old, what we did that night had seemed innocent enough at the time; even fun in a way. But looking back at it now, it also awakened a sense of sexual curiosity in me that robbed me of a childhood innocence I never regained. Similar situations took place with increased frequency after that, again with this friend and also with a few others. And in turn, that activity quickly led me into a sexually-arousing preoccupation with male nudity, and with the thrill that I began to associate with the risks that were involved with "streaking." And so the nudity and "streaking" continued on for years after that night, as well. But I don't remember any of the rest of it as well as I still remember that first exposure to sexual play.

Considering it all again now, I'm very fortunate that I never got caught and arrested during the many times I went "streaking," and I can only wonder what may have changed in my life, if only we had been caught and punished for sneaking around outside in the nude that night as kids, before the sexual play began. But as it turned out, friendships were never quite the same to me after that episode, since "friendship" would then sometimes include such activity.

Friendships & Same-Gender Relationships:
Having a close male companion as a "best friend" had come to mean a great deal to me after the third grade. And I can remember having some anxiety and fear of rejection in those childhood friendships. So as I matured, the physical things I did with some of those friends became a source of comfort and an artificial assurance to me that I was accepted and loved. And the affection I gained from engaging in such activity quickly became sexually addictive. And though it could make me feel good for a while, none of it ever healed over the real reasons for the emptiness and brokenness I still felt inside. And I have communicated with many other men who describe these same types of situations leading up to their own same-sex attractions and addictions.

Perhaps you can also identify with some of these same triggers and patterns I've described, seeing the evidence of them in your own life. Or perhaps you can't and there are others that are not mentioned here. For example, just one instance of sexual molestation upon a child can have a huge impact on that person's sexuality later in life. And this article can't be all-inclusive of each and every situation, since we are all individuals. But whatever the specific causes may be, I'm convinced that there are indeed issues to be faced that have made every homosexual the person that they are sexually.

Looking for Validation in a Woman's Heart:
I think we can all agree that it is quite normal for a boy to become attracted to a girl at some point during his youth. But if such a boy is already lacking in the area of engendered confidence and self-esteem, because there has been no validation of such from his father, then a girl's rejection can send yet another devistating blow to his self-worth.

Now girls have often rejected boys who became attracted to them, without any significant blow to the boy's ego. So I believe the damage is done when, subconsciously, the boy was really seeking to overcome the sense of gender inadequacy he feels, by turning to the woman for the validation he actually needed from his Dad. And though I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, this is exactly what I believe I was seeking through these relationships with a woman.

I still remember the name of the first young lady that I actually became physically attracted to. I was awakened to the beauty of a woman for the first time, through the beauty I saw in her. And it wasn't just her youthful lovliness, but her kind personality as well, that drew me to her. But she rejected the idea of going on a date with me when I tried to pursue her, and I was crushed by that. The message it sent to me was that I didn't measure up.

Years later, I dated a young woman who would become my first sexual experience with the opposite gender. By that time, I was becoming quite confused about my own sexuality anyway, and so I easily allowed the blow of the experience to become a determining factor toward my sexual orientation.

I went away with this woman to enjoy a weekend of gambling at Lake Tahoe, California. And we arrived to a hotel where she had reserved a single room for us, with only one bed. The situation instantly made me uncomfortable, because of my upbringing and my beliefs about sex before marriage. But I didn't strongly object to it, either. I mean, "men" aren't supposed to object to settings like that, right? And she had pursued me in the situation. Besides that, I think I also wanted to "prove" to myself in some way that I wasn't "gay."

As the night's events led to exactly what I had anticipated because of the accomodations she had arranged for us, I found no masculine confidence at all through what happened next. This young woman just cut me off at the knees. Being my first time with a woman, I was less than graceful at "it." And I had confessed that fact to her before hand. But instead of being kind towards me in the awkwardness of my clumsiness, this young woman accused me of being drunk. And then, to make matters even worse, she broke the relationship off the moment we returned from the trip, the very next day. So again, the subliminal message she sent was clear: "You don't have what it takes as a man, and you can't sexually perform to standard as one, either!"

As I thought back on this, I became more angry at her in remembering the experience, than I remember having actually been at the time. At the time, I was just hurt and confused by it, more than anything else. And it made it all the more easy to look to other men for a sense of validation thereafter.

If a woman doesn't reject the man who is seeking his validation from her, then she can begin to feel quite drained in the relationship, and not even realize why. And when the woman does reject him, then the man may try any number of disfunctional sexual behaviors, still seeking to "feel like a man." Homosexuality is the disfunctional behavior that I turned to next. And these are exactly the kinds of things that make homosexuality so "disfunctional" in its very nature. But other behaviors may also include pornography, masturbation, buying prostitutes, and possibly even sexual abuses and/or rape, in extreme cases.

Woman can never validate Man, nor can Man validate Woman. That is not our engendered purpose. But most certainly, we can't validate one another through homosexuality either! Men and women are meant to love each other, and to help one another, in a committed relationship that is mutually complimentary in many other ways. But the woman can't make the boy feel like he's become a "real man," and the man can't cause the girl to believe she's become a woman who is truly worthy of being loved. But likewise, we'll never find our validation sexually, through persons of our own gender, either. All we can hope to do through homosexuality is to create a superficial and empty substitute for it.

It is both of our parents (but in larger part, our fathers) that validate us. And then, ultimately, I believe that God himself can complete and/or restore that engendered validation, wherever it is lacking. But it is a crippling road to look for it sexually or in any other person, as I made the mistake of trying to do so.

The Fatal, "First Time:"
I have questioned myself if there's any real value to be gained from mentioning this experience here, wondering if going back down this road again could actually be of any benefit to those who might read it once it's here? So I think it's best to approach this chain of events in terms of remembering what it was that I thought I'd found, once it happened. What was going through my mind at the time, and why was it such a mistake when it happened?

Therefore, the object lesson of this account is that once a moral line is crossed, it is much easier to cross it again a second or third time, and so on, even if the stakes get higher... and they always do! The sin gets easier and easier to rationalize, while the cost of sinning always continues to rise:

It was just supposed to be three days away with the guys. There were four of us who decided to get away from the military base and go to the Florida coast for the long weekend. Looking back now, I can see how I manipulated the events that caused what eventually happened to take place. And of course, by the time of these events, my understanding of male intimacy had long since been distorted by activities similar to those which had first taken place in my third grade year, when I spent the night at my friend's house (the same event I detailed above).

All of us were Christians who attended the same church. And we were all classmates in military flight school. One of the guys was a friend who I was infatuated with and truly admired. I enjoyed the level of closeness we shared, and he seemed to have a heart for the Lord that was, well, inspiring to me. He had the kind of closeness with God that I desired to emulate in my own life, and he always spoke from his heart when he prayed. Unknown to me at the time, however, was the fact that this young man had also been struggling with homosexual attractions, and had already fallen prey to them a number of times.

We slept two per bed in the hotel room we were all sharing. And as I mentioned before in so many of my friendships, I was insecure and jealous of my relationship with him. So I purposed to sleep in the same bed he was going to sleep in. There was an innocent comfort I felt in just being physically close to him, and I had no thoughts of anything sexual in that. I just felt safe somehow to be able to be close to him.

Some hours into the first night, after the other two guys had fallen asleep, and thinking he was fast asleep too, my insecurities began to get the better of me. His hand was lying open beside me, and I wondered silently to myself how he might react if I followed through with a desire I had to hold his hand? "Oh God, was it even okay for two guys to hold hands," I wondered to myself? It seemed innocent enough, and I convinced myself that it was, thinking also, "If he reacts badly, I can just pretend that I rolled over while sleeping, and my hand innocently wound up in his." So that's exactly the way I played it off. I rolled over and allowed my hand to come to rest in his.

Now I think it is important to pause here, and distinguish between what was innocent, and what was not, up to this point. Because I will argue that there is nothing wrong with the human need for platonic closeness and touch, or to just feel loved, even among persons of the same gender. It's when such activity crosses the border from what is platonic to what is sexual, that the activity becomes sinful in nature (see also the section below that discusses "homoerotophobia"). My desire to hold his hand was innocent, in and of itself. Because the desire for physical touch from other men is a legitimate need that even heterosexual men are willing to admit. However, the manipulative way in which I went about getting it was not innocent at all. Nor was lying in a bed the best environment for seeking out such affection.

I really half-expected him to pull his hand away if it woke him up. But instead, my doubts were quickly relieved, and I felt accepted as he also held onto my hand, seemingly aware that it was there. And so then I interlaced my fingers with his, wanting also to let him know that I was aware of his hand in mine. Then he moved closer to embrace me, and for that short moment, I was still able to convince myself that this was all still very innocent, and in no way sinful. And arguably, it may have been so, up to that point. But then his own desires got the better of him too, and he reached down with his other hand to touch me. Quite honestly still desiring to keep the moment "innocent" at that point, I blocked that move with my other hand, and so he restrained his desire, and we just held close to one another that night.

In those moments, the intimacy and closeness I felt with him felt like what I had been looking for, for so long. And in a physical way, it was. I was the child again who finally felt safe in his daddy's arms. I felt loved. I felt accepted. I felt needed. But we were also using one another to feel this way, during this incident. Because neither of us, in that moment, was really interested in giving of ourselves to love the other. We only wanted to feel loved ourselves; his own story being one of the emptiness he'd experienced in missing his dad, who'd left home and lost interest in him while he was still a boy, following his parent's divorce. And then he had also been sexually molested as a teenager, at the hands of an uncle.

The next morning, I asked him if he had been awake, and what had actually transpired between us? But then he was embarrassed, and so he apologized to me, confessing that he had been "struggling to overcome some temptations in that area." But I had enjoyed the closeness so much, that the thought that I had just caused him to fall into sin again never even crossed my mind. I was only looking at it for myself, and how wonderful it had felt for me. I even asked him a couple of days after the trip if we could ever spend time like that together again, to which he said that he didn't think it would be such a wise idea. I reluctantly agreed, and we salvaged our friendship with a mutual promise not to go there again, and a commitment to pray for each other in our struggles with these same-gender attractions. But in spite of our mutual sincerity to try and avoid it, that event had set the stage, and it did happen again, four years later, during a snow skiing trip we took together.

During the trip, I was again in an unfortunate state of insecurity at that time. And apparently, so was he. And so he agreed when I asked to sleep beside him that first night. And like before, we just held each other for comfort that night. But then on the second night, he asked to come and sleep beside me. And unfortunately, he did not object when, this time, I was the one who reached down and instigated a course of action that went beyond what had taken place between us previously. But even more unfortunate than the incident itself was the fact that I was a newly married man by then. And I had gone on that trip leaving an unresolved disagreement between me and my wife, which we'd had at home the very same day I'd left... a situation that the Bible clearly warns us all to avoid, and also the mistake which had left me feeling so insecure that first night of the ski trip.

So not only had I pulled him back into sin again, but now we had both committed a form of adultery in what we'd done. And although my wonderful wife forgave us both, it was something we both regretted very deeply, afterwards. And our otherwise genuine friendship suffered greatly for it, not to mention how it set back both of our faith-walks as Christian believers.

It took my wife most of the next year before she could fully trust me again. And I think it took me a couple of years to really overcome the deeply emotional attachment I'd had with the guy, and the psychological effects it had on me to realize it, and then let it go. But thanks be to God, I did eventually overcome that emotional attachment.

In the process, I often doubted my own conscience and godly wisdom which were still pulling me in a direction away from homosexual behavior, while yet reasoning that by doing so I was denying myself of something I intensely needed, desired and missed. But those were years I could have spent in the peace of never having known the inward struggles that came with having gone to that level of "carnal knowledge." And my own struggles with homosexual temptations and behavior would have been lighter, indeed, if I had simply not gone there in the first place.

Demonic Influence
Homosexual desire is an extremely compelling, inward longing, once you've actually succumbed to the behavior once or twice, and found that it seemed to fulfill an inward sense of emptiness, or an emotional need. And although the Bible teaches us that temptations toward homosexual and other behaviors all come through our own "evil" desires toward sin, the Bible also clearly tells us that there are demonic influences that are involved in the spiritual struggles that take place over the souls of mankind. And so I don't discount in the least, the very strong possibility that behind the human compulsion toward homosexual behaviors is also the influence of these demonic forces that wage war against us:

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12)

And even the Apostle Paul, who authored over two-thirds of the New Testament, has said of himself, "When I want to do good, evil is right there with me... waging war against my mind." (Romans 7:21-23, paraphrased)

So this demonic influence may be one of the reasons why there is such a difficult inward struggle that comes along with trying to become free from homosexual compulsion. I believe that these evil spirits become aware of our individual weaknesses toward certain sinful behaviors, and so they toy with our minds and our emotions in those specific areas, trying to draw our focus and attention away from God, and back toward the behaviors that so easily distract us.

For me, even a sudden feeling of insecurity is often all it ever took to bring on those kinds of temptations. My desire to find emotional relief from the stress of my insecurity brought with it the desire for an activity that would bring relief through the stimulus of pleasure. And the pleasure-high I had experienced in homosexual and other associated behaviors was a very powerful lure. In this way, homosexual behavior easily became the "answer" to many of my other weaknesses too, thus becoming an even greater obstacle for me to try and overcome. And this is how it becomes so addictive to so many people who are lured into experimenting with it.

But I've also found that the strength and influence provided by Christ's own Spirit within me, is a powerful and effective weapon to stand up against the demonic influences that come against each one of us, as we determine to live holy and do some good in this world.

All of My Own Wrong Choices:
All of these situations came together with all of the troubled relationship issues I faced while growing up, and left me craving genuine male companionship, affirmation, acceptance, and love, throughout my childhood, and even more as I transitioned through adolescence and into young adulthood. And I began to seek those things sexually, once adolescence kicked into full momentum.

For most boys, they are secure in their male relationships by that point, and they enter that adolescent stage without those insecurities in male companionship and relationships. Their sexual awareness and interest then develops naturally, and they move on toward a normal interest in girls. But for young men such as myself, there becomes a huge void in our desire for the male companionship we never had, and for the quality of male relationship we never knew. So then these insecurities and unfulfilled desires become sexualized during adolescence instead. And once they are acted upon, the homosexual activity becomes very addictive in nature. God did create us, after all, to be able to express our love sexually. But perhaps you can see now why I don't believe that homosexuality was ever part of God's design for normal sexual expression. The very way in which God created the male and female anatomy to fit together should be proof enough of that, don't you think?

Even if one approaches the subject of sexual activity strictly from the stand-point of the physical pleasure that two people can indeed experience with one another, rather than from the procreative aspects of it, the Bible is still quite clear in the guidance offered there. In fact, there's an entire book in the Bible dedicated to such pleasures in romance!

Solomon's Song of Songs, in the Old Testament, is a poetic and metaphorical description of the attraction, and the physical pleasures of sexual intimacy and contact experienced between the two "lovers" within the story. But those biblical lovers are, again, one man and one woman. And their male and female anatomy shows us by God's own design what his intent for us is in all of these areas of sexual attraction, contact, intimacy and pleasure between "two consenting adults."

Jesus Christ Pursuing Me Through it All:
While all of this was going on, I can look back now and see how God never stopped pursuing me... how he never stopped trying to show me his love.

I spent the early part of my life in weekly church and Sunday School classes, until I was about five years old. It was there that I received my grounding in Bible Scripture, and a basic belief in God and Jesus. But then, Dad had a falling out with some of the decons of the church, when they showed up at the house asking for money one morning, while my mom was healing from a broken ankle. Our family never went to church again after that.

Some years later, an aunt who was close to all of us kids, from my Mom's side of the family, committed suicide one evening. And during the grief that followed that situation, I remember wondering about God again, and pondering what happens to people when they die. Even at that young age, I remember thinking to myself and asking aloud, "How is it possible for the love of a person to die? There has to be something more after death."

My Grandma on my Dad's side of the family was a woman of faith. And after my aunt's suicide, she began to notice my desire to understand more about God. And so she always encouraged me to seek him out as I matured into a young man.

Years later, I joined the US Army right out of high school, mostly to get away from home and out on my own, than for any other reason. I became a Military Policeman, and I ended up having a platoon sergeant who was also an ordained minister. "Sergeant First Class" Browning, was his name. And Sergeant Browning took time to encourage me in my BIble reading, after he saw me with my own BIble one afternoon. He was the first person to ever ask me if I was "saved." I didn't even know what that meant at the time. But through a series of events that I'm convinced today were no coincidence, I soon found my answers.

A popular book at the time was, The Late Great Planet Earth, by Hal Lindsey. And I had purchased a copy to read for myself. At the end of the book, Mr. Lindsey explained from Scriptures he had taken from the Book of Romans, just how it is that one becomes "saved." It was simply by confessing my sins to God, believing that God had sent His Son to die for my sins, and asking this same Jesus to come and live inside of my heart.

I knew in that moment, in my heart, that I had discovered an essential, spiritual truth to knowing God, and being in right relationship with him again. So, without delay, at the age of 19, I walked into the kitchen of the old Military Police station, at AFRC Chiemsee in West Germany. And I got down on my knees and gave my heart to Jesus Christ. That was November of 1983.

Soon after that, I prayed to God to get me out of an assignment that I was anxious over and didn't want to go to. And that prayer was immediately answered, but not as I expected. The assignment was changed rather than removed. And so I was sent temporarily to SHAPE, Belgium, during the Christmas Holiday Season, that very same year.

While I was there, I was invited by some fellow belivers to visit the church where I ended up being water baptized, and on Christmas Day no less! What a blessing that was.

Some years later, I was assigned to duty in Egypt, and was able to visit Israel while I was there. While I was on a tour of Israel, I got water-baptized a second time, in the Jordan River, where Jesus was also baptized. That was a time of re-dedication and of renewing my faith in Christ.

This was how my relationship with Jesus Christ began. And I believe that Jesus pursues each one of us, just as he pursued me, if only we'll stop our own pursuit of sin long enough to be found by him.

Revisiting Past Hurts and Forgiving Them:
A huge step in personal healing from homosexuality comes in learning to like yourself as a person, in order for you to believe inside that other people can like you too. And it's also an important step in being able to forgive ourselves for things we've regretted and blamed our own selves for.

Still another difficult thing to do is finding it in our heart to forgive other people who have hurt us in some way. But you must also know that forgiving those who have hurt us, and learning to look at them through Christ's eyes, with compassion and understanding, is another completely necessary step to take in our own healing process. Because the people who have hurt us have also all been hurt in some way by someone or something themselves.

So more recently I have also seen that there was a cycle of this hurt and pain that did not begin with me. My Dad was literally disowned and rejected by his own biological father at a young age, after my grandparents divorced. I have never met this grandfather because of it, and they have gone decades without so much as speaking a word to one another. I am convinced that my Dad started drinking to numb the heartache and pain of that situation. And I can only guess what may have happened in the cycle prior to that, wondering if this grandfather I never met also had issues with his father? Whatever the answer is, I only know that I want it all to stop with me. I want my own children to know that they are indeed unconditionally loved. And I must leave the past behind in order to do that.

Jesus Heals the Past and He Heals Homosexuality:
Since writing this article, I have been told everything from, "You were never homosexual in the first place," and, "You are bisexual or just sexually confused," to things like, "You can't change! You are only running from who you really are," or, "You are homophobic, hateful and intolerant." Yet I know all too well that the same-sex attractions I experienced were very compelling and real. And I know that I still acted on them after entering into adulthood, and that those temptations didn't just suddenly stop the day I became a Christian.

But even more than that I also know that since then, what God has done to bring about this change in my life and deliverance from homosexual attractions is even more compelling and real. And the factual reality of that transformation tends to strike a sensitive nerve with many people for some reason, especially within the homosexual community.

Some people argue that unconditional love means that the God of the Bible loves homosexuals the way they are, and so He would not inspire them to change. And then adding to the confusion, some churches today, even among mainstream, "Christian" denominations, are distorting the clear biblical line that separates good and evil, through their acceptance of homosexual behavior and the ordination of open homosexuals into their clergy. And so come the arguments that the Bible (God's Word) has either been misinterpreted, mistranslated or even purposely changed on this issue. But think about that for a moment. If you can't trust what the Bible says on this one issue, then how can you trust it on any other, to include your eternal salvation? So I choose to trust that God will indeed be God, and as such he is perfectly capable of protecting his inspired Word from corruptions like these, especially when this is His primary means of communicating His own character back to us. God says of himself that he is not the author of confusion, and that his Word will indeed accomplish everything He sent it to do. So if you have chosen to be offended by anything I've said here, please understand again that I am not telling anyone to change. I am merely sharing the factual truth that in a spiritual relationship with God and Christ, such change is indeed possible for those who desire it! Because God's love toward us has the power to transform any life by birthing the godly desire within us to become more like God's Son, Jesus. God's love toward us can and does permanently change hearts. And God's grace does indeed enable the homosexual person to become heterosexual, just as God has created each one of us all to be.

You may be thinking right now, "I could never learn to be heterosexual!" But I'll tell you again that you are missing the bigger point of my message if you are thinking that. Don't worry about that! God is not asking you to learn how to be heterosexual for him. He is simply asking us to learn how to trust him, and to desire to be obedient toward him. And then God himself will begin to transform your life as you are willing to trust him to do so.

So instead, you begin with God, with this attitude: by saying, "I may not know how to be heterosexual right now, but I do desire to trust God and believe in his Son. And I desire to turn away from my sinful behavior with his help, and with his strength to help me do so." And then you allow God to do all the rest, one day at a time!"

A Desire to Be Like Christ:
This desire to be "Christ-like" is the most important aspiration to realize for anyone who desires to be free from homosexuality, or from any other sin for that matter. You may have heard the metaphor, "placing the cart before the horse?" Well, I found that in placing my desire to be heterosexual before my desire to know Christ and have a personal relationship with Him, that I gained hardly any ground at all in the struggle. All I learned to do was suppress desires that were still there, and they would always resurface again. But then I fell in love with who Jesus is, as I spent more time reading the Bible, praying, and getting to know his character and his love toward me. And after discovering who Jesus the person was and is, my highest desire was simply to become more and more like Him, and to spend more of my time with Him. It was in pursuing this desire to become more like Christ in my own character that a heterosexual transformation then began to come about in my life, and the homosexual desires I had began to decrease. The Bible says it this way: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these [other] things will be given to you as well."

But How Does Change Take Place?

"This is the word that came from the Lord: 'Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message.' So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: 'Can I not do with you as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand.' "
Jeremiah 18:1-6

Change absolutely must begin with the acceptance of this very basic, but essential truth: No one is homosexual. As I said previously, "The opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality. The opposite of homosexuality is holiness!" One has to realize that homosexuality is a behavior that people engage in, not something that a person is. If you can't come to accept this very necessary truth, then you'll never truly find change. But this is only the first-half of the equation for change.

Knowing and deeply depending on Jesus Christ is the other half of the equation. Apart from him, we can do nothing! It's our own, personal relationship with Jesus Christ that has the power to change any one of us in a variety of ways, to include the complete restoration of our heterosexual orientation.

Like the clay in the Master's hand, in the passage of Scripture above, most often God brings healing and change into our lives by taking us back to the very things that have hurt us, so that we can walk through them again with God by our side, as God restores what was lost to us in those situations: Our strength, our confidence, our self-worth, our dignity, our courage, our masculinity (for women, your femininity and deep desire to be treasured), and the fulfillment of our desire to be needed and loved. And it's through our faith in Jesus Christ that we find the confidence to move beyond any negative influence that the past has had over us.

For example, if it is in your best interest to forgive and restore the relationship with the man or men who are responsible for hurting you in your youth, then God may indeed lead you to the place where you'll be able to do that, as part of your healing. Or if you are one who grew up starving for platonic masculine affection, then God may bring men into your life as friends who are willing to share that physical affection with you in legitimate, non-sexual ways. Or, if you are a woman whose father left you feeling emptied of your beauty, so that you feel more like an object to be used or abused, than you do like a beautiful woman worthy of being desired, pursued and loved, then God will restore the inward beauty you have sought to gain back through having sex with other women. And to all of us who have ever felt the pain of being fatherless in some way, then God will indeed be a loving Father to us in all of the places where our human father either failed us, or could not be there for us.

Such things are the substance of what we've sexualized into homosexual behaviors, through our inward desire to see them embodied within the incomplete person we've so often perceived ourselves to be, in the embodiment of our own gender. This is an essential strength and self-awareness; a "knowing" that allows us to relate and interact in confidence with other persons of our same gender. In other words, God helps each of us to address the individual root causes of our own homosexual behaviors, which were never really about sex at all. God knows that our longing for male love is actually a deeply-rooted, unmet need from our childhood and youth... A longing for a father's affirmation, perhaps, or for a mentor's guidance. Or maybe it's wanting to be included in our peer group, or to have our own internal sense of just being "one of the guys." In other words, to simply feel like we belong.

So God helps us to fulfill, rather than suppress, the underlying, core needs of our homosexuality: a need not for sex or romance with men, but for brotherly love. For male community. For self-acceptance and for affirmation, as a man among men. More simply put, you'll find that change is possible
...by healing buried pain,
...by authentically meeting our core needs for love, acceptance and masculinity,
...and by surrendering the rest to God.

At a group web site called, People Can Change, the many men there who have changed call this process, "a M.A.N.S. Journey." That is
...a journey of masculine connection
...of rigorous authenticity
...of genuine need fulfillment
...and of courageous surrender.

That's how you change! Through practical application of these principles, all of which are godly and biblical in their nature.

So now, let's address the core question that many of you will have: What will "change" look like? And is "complete change" actually possible?

Change, of course, will mean different things to different people. But I think that the overall level of change each individual will eventually experience, will depend mostly upon their increasing ability to recognize and differentiate between the legitimate desires they do have for fulfillment, and the ways that such desires have become sexualized... to acknowledge the desire for what it is, while learning to avoid the addictive habit of seeking it out sexually.

For example, you will probably still find other guys "attractive," but hopefully not so much for sexual reasons any longer. So you will likely still admire and appreciate all of those traits and qualities in another man which you felt inadequate about within yourself, and had therefore sexualized and lusted after in him... things like confidence, good looks, his physical masculinity itself, his strong character or his good heart. But there will also be an ever increasing awareness that such things can never be gained sexually. And so you will begin to find legitimate, non-sexual ways of finding the fulfillment for such desires.

With change, you will indeed see homosexual encounters diminish and eventually stop all together, over time. Though, to some degree, you will probably also live with an awareness that this is your "weak area." Therefore you will still be susceptible to your weaknesses at times, especially during times of depression or loneliness, much like the alcoholic would remain susceptible to the habit of drowning his loneliness and depression in the alcohol. So you will need to remain somewhat "guarded" during those times. But you will also learn to recognize when those times come so that you are able to guard yourself from a fall, and thereby also remain more relaxed during less susceptible periods of your life.

And you will, at times, still experience all of the "urges" that you use to sexualize... all of the same desires to be validated, to be noticed, to be appreciated, to be loved, to be the hero, to follow through, indeed, to be a "man." But again, you will learn not to use sex as the means of seeking out such things. And you will learn to imitate such behavior as you see it in others, and as you begin to interact more often, openly and normally with other heterosexual men.

Simply put, "change" is a life-long, progressive and continual process. Each individual sets their own pace, and that pace may quicken, become steady, or even slow down at times, as other events also impact your life. Yet throughout every person's journey toward change, God will remain right there beside you, all the way through it, if you choose to allow him to be.

Faith, Grace, Individual Choices, and Mercy
As a human being, God created you with freedom of choice. The Bible explains that we make many of the wrong choices we make, because it is an unyielding part of our fallen, human nature to do so. This actually identifies the sense of helplessness that is so often expressed by persons who argue that they can't control their sexual passions toward other persons of their same gender. In fact, the Bible actually expresses this human tendency toward sin as a condition of "slavery" to sin.

In the Bible, we are told that without faith, it is impossible to please God. Because anyone who comes to God must first believe that he exists, and that he is the rewarder of those who diligently seek him out. If fear is an expectation of something dreadful, then faith is the exact opposite of fear. Faith is the expectation of something hoped for. By "faith" is how we approach God to receive the gift of his offer of salvation, through believing in the life, death and resurrection of his Son, Jesus. We either make a choice to believe, or not to believe. But within the "washing and rebirth" experience that does come through believing in this gift of salvation and freedom through Jesus Christ, God's grace then enters the picture, where there once was none.

Grace can mean many different things, to many different people. But what does the Bible actually say about it? Most people understand that grace offers us an unearned and unmerited favor with God, which we did not have before we believed in his Son. But grace also offers us an additional choice that, as I said above, we were incapable of making because of our fallen, human nature, before we knew Christ: According to the Bible, grace is what gives us the power and ability to say, "No" to ungodliness and sin, and the self control to actually follow through in avoiding it.

But just as it took faith to believe in Jesus for salvation, so also it takes faith to believe in the power of self control that God's grace gives to us, along with that salvation. The Bible says that because of our relationship with Jesus Christ, we are no longer "slaves" to sin. Unlike the slave who was once held captive to the relentless demands of homosexual desires and passions, the person who receives salvation in Jesus Christ now has a freedom of choice to say "No" to homosexual behaviors. In other words, homosexual passion itself no longer has the power to simply rape you when it comes! You are the one with the power now, and it is God's grace that gives you that power.

Freedom of choice is a gift that God gave to each and every one of us, through life itself. But grace (the power to make the right choice) is something that Satan stole away from the human race, through the sinful choice that mankind made, back in the Garden of Eden. Through the gift of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, God has given grace back to those who have believed.

But what if a person sins again? What then? Because, just as Satan deceived mankind in the Garden by making a sinful choice seem so enticing to us, so Satan continues to entice us with sin's temptations today. Becoming a believer in Jesus Christ does not change that fact, and sin will still seem to be enticing, in many ways, to the fallen human nature that is still very much a part of our physical being, even after becoming a believer in Jesus Christ. Grace gives us the power to make the right choice once again, but it won't make that choice for us. Therefore mercy is also made available if we fail even in that. In fact, God's mercy is brand new, each and every morning of a believer's life! It's not there as a loop-hole, so that a believer in Jesus Christ should ever remain in slavery to sinful behavior. But mercy is provided by our loving God, so that we always have the means to return to him if, in fact, we do fall to sin's deceptive temptation again, after becoming a believer.

Our obligation is to God, and not to sin any longer. And so we must be willing to make the choice to be obedient, having faith that God has given us the ability to do so, through our belief in Jesus Christ.

Biblical holiness is not some far away, or distant and unreachable thing. It is simply a series of right choices. You'll be "holy" when you choose not to sin. And if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, then you are free from the power of homosexuality over your life. But you'll never be free from the habit of homosexuality, until you choose to be; not until you grab ahold of the faith that is willing to say, "That's enough! I choose to live my life purely, because God himself has promised me that I can!"

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope--the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
Titus 2:11-14

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
Romans 7:14-25

"Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."
2nd Peter 1:2-4

My friends, you are the only person who can ever really stand in the way of walking in your own freedom from homosexual behaviors, which God has already provided to you, through your faith and belief in Jesus Christ, and through the power and strength of God himself, who comes to live inside the heart of each and every believer through the person of the Holy Spirit. And with God himself living on the inside of you, how could you possibly fail! Therefore, choose to be "free" through your faith in Jesus Christ, and you are free! So yours, then, is to simply begin acting like it, doing so one good choice at a time, every time, one day at a time.

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Homoerotophobia & Touch Deprivation ~ Contributing Factors

Homoerotophobia: Now here's a word you're probably not familiar with. And it is distinctly different from the more familiar and abused term, "homophobia." The American Heritage Dictionary defines erotophobia as, "an abnormal fear of love, especially sexual feelings and their physical expression." Therefore, homoerotophobia would be defined as that same type of abnormal fear, between persons of the same gender.

This abnormal, and sometimes irrational, fear of being labeled, "gay," especially among the males in our American society today, has robbed the men in our culture of our basic human need to express and receive godly, physical affection among one another. In other words, the fear that any form of physical affection between men may run the risk, today, of being labeled as homosexual or homoerotic in some way, has resulted in a reluctance among men to express any godly form of physical affection at all toward one another. And so, in turn, many men have grown up in our society craving it. But this certainly doesn't mean that any of these men are "gay."

The stigma of the label is there, nonetheless. Open homosexuality in our society has created an environment wherein some men may worry about being perceived as being "gay," or may actually come to believe that they are homosexual, when all they are is starved for normal, male affection. And there is evidence that some of them have then turned to sexual experimentation, in order to find that affection or get it back. I see this trend as yet another contributing factor to the rise of homosexual behavior that is becoming more prevalent in American society today. And since the addition of this self-proclaimed, "gay" identity among those who practice the behavior within our society, being "straight" has subsequently also become an identity which is often mentioned in self-defense. In other words, saying, "I'm straight," especially among men, is often a defensive response back toward homosexuality that is not intended to say, "I'm heterosexual," in so much as it is really intended to say, "I'm not gay!"

South Korea is one example of a very, male-dominant society. But in contradiction to our American society, there are two extremely noteworthy things to mention about the men of South Korea: One is that the percentage of homosexuals in that society is much lower; and second is the fact that the men there openly express physical affection for one another, throughout their society! It is not at all abnormal there, to observe two, heterosexual men, walking along a public street, holding hands, or to see one with his arm around the other's neck and shoulders. Young and old alike, their men grow up knowing open affection among one another. And arguably, this is one of the things that has, in turn, contributed to a much lower homosexual population in South Korea. In fact, most of the homosexuals in South Korea are foreigners to that society, who grew up some place else!

Another writer who found freedom from homosexuality had this to say:

"Longing to be cared for or to feel close to other men does not make you gay or homosexual at all. Whether it's hugging, wrapping your arms around your friends, or even embracing each other, there is nothing odd or strange about it, except to this very sad and shallow culture.

Do you like to hug, embrace, or hold other men? You're not alone, and you're not gay! While society, along with the gay agenda, may say otherwise, these things were once "allowed" in our culture, and looked at as normal. In other countries, it's extremely common to see members of the same sex embracing each other, whereas in America and some other countries, this kind of behavior would automatically be labeled as "gay."

It's very fascinating as well that in these countries that do accept this kind of behavior as normal, based on observations, the gay and lesbian population is much lower as well."

I've heard what amounts to basically the same story from several different men over the years, in passing conversation, when topics of this nature come up. They recount a story of when they were boys, and they had innocently held hands with another boy who was one of their friends. And then their dad or some other male adult sees this, and tells the boys, "Stop that! Boys don't hold hands. You don't want to be called a 'sissy' do you?" And so the affection stops from that moment on, and friends of the same gender keep each other at an "acceptable" distance to avoid the labels and name calling. And later when many of us desire such affection again, then we believe that there must be something wrong with us for desiring to be affectionate and closer to our friends. And tragically, the only explanation our society now offers to these impressionable and somewhat confused young men is, "You're probably gay. Why don't you give it a try, and find out for sure?" And so our society has attached a completely innocent desire together with the perverse behaviors associated with homosexuality itself, and the line that use to so clearly separate the two has been erased.

Homosexuality can indeed be learned in such situations. Because men sometimes turn to any number of sexual behaviors to try to satisfy their underlying needs. And when homosexual behavior seems to satisfy the emptiness they've felt, then it becomes sexually addictive.

The photographic evidence is also quite clear, as it is chronicled in several books, such as, "Affectionate Men: A Photographic History of a Century of Male Couples, 1850-1950", by Russell Bush; "Picturing Men: A Century of Male Relationships in Everyday American Photography", by John Ibson; and also in, "Men of WW II: Fighting Men at Ease", and, "At Ease: Navy Men of World War II", both by Evan Bachner.

Although these books are not done from a Christian perspective, it is quite clear from the evidence of the photographs themselves, that heterosexual men in America once interacted quite differently with one another... displaying an innocent and often physical affection for each other that is practically unthinkable today. But then this innocent behavior suddenly begins to disappear from the photographic record, around the late 1950's. This was, of course, the period just prior to the "sexual revolution" of the 1960's, and the beginnings of the radical, homosexual movement in America that came along with it. So it is no coincidence to me that the photographs show us that heterosexual men began to fear being affectionate with each other, right around the same time that homosexuality began to be an issue in America that people were becoming more and more aware of. And this is but one example of how any campaign to legalize and normalize a perversion will only serve to damage us all.

Now, homosexual activists will try to use older photos, such as the ones in these books, to contend that homosexuality has been "prevalent" in America for a long time. But there is zero evidence to suggest that any of the men in these photos were homosexual, since the overwhelming percentage of older photos all seem to show American men being more affectionate in front of the camera, prior to the 1960's. But then, many of the other assertions used to try to support their activism are borderline to ridiculous, as well.

Nonetheless, just as he has also done with so much of what God originally created to be "holy," Satan has also succeeded in deceiving the human race into perverting our affections toward one another, as well. But I believe the men in the Bible often greeted one another with "a holy kiss," because God originally intended such affection to be both masculine and strengthening to us, as men. Therefore, American society would also certainly benefit from a restoration of godly, physical affection between men, without us having to fear what others may think of us, or name-calling, or the labels that we, as men, seem to fear. Granted, there is a sexual line that must not be crossed. But don't we realize that already, without having to be fearful of it, or intimidated by sexual accusations?

I've spent some time looking at many of those old WW2 photos of American soldiers and ship-mates, such as these you see to the left, and I am just amazed at the level of physical intimacy that is so common, and so innocent, in so many of them... Soldiers and sailors, resting and relaxing with each other, one with his head lying on another's stomach, or one leaning back against the chest of his friend, and another who is pictured sleeping on his buddy's shoulder, for example. Yet none of the men in these photos display even a hint of visible concern over their level of closeness. And isn't that the way it should be? But it has become more and more uncommon to see this level of closeness displayed today among heterosexual men.

Interaction like this seemed so mysterious to me, that I have even found myself day-dreaming about it on more than one occasion, trying to imagine myself living back there in that era and time... "What would it be like," I wondered to myself? Somewhere, I guess I'm hoping that there might still be other "normal" guys out there who I'll eventually find and befriend, or who would befriend me, who also desire to find and experience the closeness of a friendship in the ways it is so clearly evidenced in these candid photographs, and in the way I imagine that it probably once was between the "real men" of that day, as I looked at the photos. But for now, it seems that this kind of quality interaction within male friendships will continue to remain a substance of our relationships that was mostly abandoned to another, more innocent time.

Seeing the loss of that interaction among non-gay men saddens me deeply. And I'd argue the point that this change in male behavior took place for the exact same reason that it is mostly prevented from returning today: That being because of our own reformed, and now somewhat distorted attitudes toward male interaction, relationships, and intimacy, within this wake of open homosexual behavior and activism that has been steadily pervading our society during this time, and in our own defensive unwillingness to become associated with the "gay movement."

The irony is that many of the homosexuals who desire to turn away from their sexual behaviors have now also made the mistake of cutting themselves off completely from all forms of male affection, because they, like our society, have come to reason that even legitimate forms of non-sexual affection are "gay." But I still strongly believe that legitimate, godly affection is one of the things that absolutely must be learned again, and disassociated from what is sexually perverse in our human nature, in accordance with Scripture. I don't see how complete healing, or a life free from suppressing desires, could truly come about otherwise. And in the completely understandable concern to want to keep one's self from falling back into unwanted sexual behaviors, accountability through a pastor, support group, or a trusted friend, together with a little common sense applied toward where, when, and with whom one shares such affection, is really the only caution that need be applied.

There are indeed legitimate, non-sexual ways for men to share physical affection between each other... A hug, a non-sexual embrace, an arm around a buddy's shoulder, a father and son (or two friends) holding hands, or even the biblical example of men greeting each other with "a holy kiss." So let us not avoid all affection for fear of what is sexually perverse, or Satan will have robbed us of our innocent affections toward one another also. And complete avoidance will only serve to contribute more to the environment of actual homosexual behavior in our society, which is mostly responsible for these phobias in the first place.

If you would like to learn more about the biblical principles of Covenant Friendship, and the personal sacrifice it takes to pursue this kind of a relationship, then you should consider visiting my additional article on this subject, by clicking on the link within this paragraph.

Touch Deprivation: Though it is often an entirely separate issue all on its own, touch deprivation is certainly not absent from among the many issues that can contribute to same-sex attraction (SSA), and homosexual behaviors. So it is also worth mentioning here.

This topic will seem somewhat similar to homoerotophobia. But the difference is that touch deprivation involves a situation where touch has been or is being withheld, as opposed to a situation wherein the touching is feared to be erotic in some way.

Touch has been scientifically and medically proven to be an integral part of our physical and emotional health and well being. It is also known to be a multiplying factor in the healing from many sicknesses, injuries and also from severe depression. And the necessity for it has even been observed among certain species of animals. And so it is no coincidence that prolonged deprivation from meaningful human touch can have a profoundly negative impact upon a person, in more ways than one.

In a book that he simply entitled, "Touching," author, Ashley Montagu, writes, "The communications we transmit through touch constitute the most powerful means of establishing human relationships, [which are] the foundation of experience." In fact, one of the most commonly cited risk factors for violence in American youth is early neglect and abuse. And in many studies, aggression and antisocial behavior problems have been found in neglected or abused children and adolescents. These behaviors become barriers to friendships and healthy relationships, and thereby also tend to feed one's proclivity toward homosexual behaviors.

The most common trend I've seen in many of the men I've spoken to who've experienced SSA, is that they never received the meaningful touching and physical affection that can come from being in a healthy relationship with one's father and/or peers. Likewise too, some of the women who have spoken to me about their SSA issues have also mentioned similar voids within the relationships that they experienced with their mothers.

Some men seem to develop an unquenchable and addictive need to touch others sexually, or to be touched by others sexually, because their cravings for touch have become so intense after being deprived of it for so long. And touch deprivation issues often become exacerbated when emotional or sexual abuse lurks in the background of the individual.

For those who were sexually abused, intimacy stimulates painful memories. So in order to avoid emotional intimacy, many people seek physical gratification through anonymous sexual encounters, instead of within committed and healthy relationships and/or friendships (a very common practice among homosexual men).

Other people who have been deprived of touch have reacted to it by developing a pattern of defensive detachment (holding people and relationships at a distance in order to protect one's self from being hurt by them). But this, of course, also only further complicates the touch deprivation issue. Defensive detachment often leads men through a repeating cycle, with periods of over-indulgence, followed by periods of guilt and shame (a common trend among men who engage in anonymous, homosexual behavior).

Men who experience guilt and shame over unwanted same-sex attractions, and especially those men who try to suppress their desires for affection without addressing any of the real issues that are driving their behaviors, will resist healthy, non-sexual relationships and male touch, only to eventually reach a breaking point where they over-indulge their craving for it by fulfilling it sexually. In turn, this then leads to more feelings of guilt and shame over their actions, and so they begin keeping people and relationships at a distance, and repeat the cycle all over again.

Even the idea of receiving a non-sexual hug from a man, as a sign of affection, can make many of these men feel uncomfortable in some way, when their perceptions of human touch have become distorted, or when they have become uncomfortable with their own behaviors. Therefore, such men continue to feel more and more "touch deprived," because they continue to resist physical affection in normal relationships, in addition to all of the other unfilled emotional needs they experienced during their childhood. This is also why it is necessary for true healing and freedom from homosexual behaviors to involve a season of relearning and restoration, with regard to human interaction and meaningful human touch, as they are more commonly shared and experienced by heterosexual persons of the same gender.

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Lesbianism & The Mother's Role in Homosexual Behaviors

I have been speaking here mostly from my own male perspective of male homosexual behavior. And given the things I have described, one might logically presume, then, that female homosexual behavior would always find its roots from similar voids in mother-daughter type relationships. I do believe that the relationship with one's mother can and often does have some influence upon both male and female homosexuality. But more often once again, it seems to me that there was usually also always a father wound of some sort that has impacted the lives of such women as little girls, just as much as it did with little boys.

What is similar between male and female homosexuality is that the father wounds are felt as inward gender inadequacies. And so that is why these emotional, engendered longings that do become sexualized are then so easily noticed, and become so attractive, in other persons of the same gender. And the subsequent homosexual addictions that can easily form during sexual experimentation will begin to set the course of that person's entire life toward homosexuality or lesbianism, unless the real underlying issues are identified and also dealt with effectively.

So I suspect that female homosexual behavior also finds its roots in those insecurities and wounds which are received during their childhood, predominately through the relationship that is experienced with their father, and/or male role models. Then again, those insecurities are carried into female adolescence and sexualized, but in a different way. The insecurity a young lady develops is that of not being able to trust male companionship, rather than a craving for it. This is often because of verbal, psychological, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuses experienced during her childhood either herself, or in seeing her mother abused in these ways. And it is usually at the hands of some significant male figure or trusted man, whose role should have been to love, nurture and protect them both from such things.

What so often also becomes sexualized in young adolescent women, is their longing for a sense of femininity, after their sense of it was wounded or crushed in their youth... the longing to be desirable as a woman, to be pursued as a woman, to be protective and provide comfort to others as a woman, to be the "damsel" who is the central part of a bigger story, to have her own sense of beauty, and to feel confident as a woman among women, deep inside of herself. And this kind of wounding to the soul can come from fathers or mothers, or from both parents.

You may recognize this as the very same classic tale we've heard in so many of our childhood stories, or seen depicted in the classic movies we all enjoy... it's the story of the princess who is pursued and rescued by the noble prince... or of the cowboy who wins the heart of the beautiful lady, and then makes a home for them in the wilderness. But no matter what the setting is, the man and the woman in such stories go on to share a happy life together. This is our heart's desire, don't you see! And that why we've seen it repeated in so many different ways, within the stories and movies that we all enjoy hearing and seeing... the movies where the guy gets to be the hero, and the woman captivates him with her beauty, and becomes just as much a central part of the story as he is.

When young women have been emotionally scarred in this way, their sexual adaptations to it can turn them in either direction. Some women turn toward promiscuous sexual encounters with multiple, abusive men, while others turn toward a sexual attraction for the feminine traits they see in other women, while actually longing for those feminine traits within themselves.

The additional damage a mother figure can do to a daughter who has been wounded by a male figure in such circumstances will usually take the form of not believing her, or in discounting the daughter's cry for help when it comes, and thereby failing to protect her from the abusive male figure. And it can also be a wound to a daughter, when a mother never bonds with her in a meaningful or intimate way, leaving the daughter to feel emotionally detached from her.

In the case of a son, an over-protective Mom might have been much too reluctant to allow nature to take its course, when at a young age the son begins to naturally desire to wean himself from her and spend more time with his Dad.

And for any number of reasons, both good and bad, there may also have been a situation where there was no "Dad" at all living in the home that a son or daughter could be loved and mentored by. And this can certainly play into homosexual and other behaviors.

Now please don't presume that I am implying anything more than the simplistic, biblical truth in what I am about to say next. But I believe these absent Dad situations show exactly why God places such an emphasis in the Bible on men taking their responsible role of leadership within their own homes, as both husbands and fathers in their families. Not because men are any better or any more capable than women are. But because that is the role God gave to men! And he gave nurturing roles to women for a very good reason as well. It's what they're great at! This is simply God's divine order and engendered design for the family, rather our confused and twisted society chooses to accept that or not. And while I have never been accused of being against "women's rights," one of the mistakes that movement has certainly made is in distorting the necessary, biblical roles of men and women within the family and home. After all, nearly any man can father a child. But it takes a dedicated and committed man to be a "Dad" to his children. And no nanny or daycare can ever replace the nurturing role a mother could provide to her children by just being there for them as a "Mom."

Ladies: Please see also the section above that is entitled, The Father Wound

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Epinephrine ~ The Sexual Addiction Factor in Men

In men, many of the sexual behaviors that tend to become so addictive to us, are those things which provide extreme pleasure, or which provide the means to carry our minds away from those things which are troubling to us. Other kinds of additions tend to be rooted in a chemical, physiological, or mental dependency. But our sexual addictions are "pleasure highs." And this is certainly the case with sexual addictions like masturbation, pornography, and homosexual behavior. But these "pleasure highs" are actually chemical addictions too, in the way that our body and mind works together, as we see and experience sexual pleasure.

Care to take a guess at what a man's most powerful sex-organ might be? When I first heard this question, I immediately began to think about the various physical parts of my body that seemed to bring on sexual arousal when stimulated, and of course the penis seemed to be the logical, "first choice" there... But if your mind went in the same direction that mine did, well, think again.

Our most powerful sex-organ is actually our mind, gentlemen. It actually controlls everything else that is happening physically, and once our minds get stimulated toward sexual things, there's almost no changing the course of our thoughts from that point. And I think most of you will agree with me on that.

First of all, men are very visually-oriented. And we receive a pleasurable, chemical-high from sexually-charged images. What happens is that, with sexual stimulation, emotion and pleasure, a naturally occurring hormone called epinephrine is released into our male bloodstream. And this chemical causes an indelible memory to be created of whatever the stimulus was (sight, touch, sound, smell... ) at the time of the emotional excitement and sexual high. That is why it is so easy for men to daydream about sexual things, and why it is so very difficult to purge such things from our memories, if we desire to stop thinking about them.

When I learned this, I immediately thought back to the first time I was exposed to sexual activity, as a boy, and how I can still vividly recall it. It was emotionally pleasurable to me at the time, and it occurred with another boy. So it's no wonder that the memory of that event is still there, and that the original pleasures I associated with it became addictive to me later on in life, as I sought that pleasure again. The emotional pleasure I'd experienced had eased both the emptiness I'd experienced in my relationship at home with my Dad, and the restless desire I had to bond in friendship with other boys at school.

Just the thought process of recalling emotionally pleasurable things from our own memory, alone, is sufficient to begin to release epinephrine into our bloodstreams, all over again. And so, if that pleasurable memory involved sexual activity, then we'll readily think about and gravitate toward that same sexual activity again and again, in order to feel the same comfort and pleasure we associated with it the first time. And this is why a very broad range of sexual activity is so easily addictive to men, in general. And it's also why, once exposed to them, homosexual behaviors can become so very addictive to boys who sensed some gender-inadequacy about themselves, be it real or just imagined. Because the homosexual activity provides a sense of the gender-connection and fulfillment with other males, that such boys have been deprived of in some way.

Chemically speaking, this is the way men were designed by God! But God's intent was for these chemical reactions to be released, experienced, and associated within the sexual pleasure we would find in being with a woman... More specifically, it was designed by God to bond us pleasurably with the one woman we'd share our lives with in marriage. So it's sad, to me, that so many men have been hijacked of experiencing what God originally intended, through some unfortunate situation or activity that awakened their sexual passions much too soon, and sent them off in the wrong direction, toward homosexual behaviors, while they were still just impressionable young boys.

A word of advice: It may very likely take the help of a qualified counselor to fully overcome the strong persistence of sexual addictions, in both men and in women. It never hurts to talk to someone you can trust!

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Addressing the Issue of Hatred and Homosexual Suicide

A reportedly high incidence of hatred toward, and suicides among homosexuals is a related issue worth also addressing here.

Now on the one hand, there are indeed unscrupulous people in America today, like Pastor Fred Phelps and his band of followers. Phelps is a notorious, "Baptist" preacher from Kansas, whose consistent message has been, "god hates fags." And his followers proudly and unapologetically display such words upon their hand-held signs, at demonstrations outside of such places as the funerals of fallen, American servicemen and women. Such people have chosen to deal with homosexuality through propagating a diatribe of religious hatred, and have done serious damage to the forgiving message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the process. I certainly do not condone such behavior, nor do I believe that it is in any way inspired by God. And I sincerely doubt that any of Phelps' followers have ever led even one sinner to the true saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, through "preaching" such a distorted message.

But on the other hand, there are those who are pushing the distorted agenda of homosexual, "gay safe-zones" and "gay-straight alliance clubs" in our public school systems, and using the issues of "intolerance" and "gay suicides" as an excuse to indoctrinate our children into accepting homosexual behavior. Yet this is also deceptive and harmful in a way that completely ignores all of the moral and health implications of the homosexual lifestyle. "We need this indoctrination and these safe zones," it is argued, "to stop the spread of hate crimes against homosexuals."

While I do agree that there are a limited number of incidents where homosexual victims of harassment and crime are singled out because of their sexual orientation, and while I can agree that there is arguably a higher rate of suicide among younger and older homosexuals alike; it is my sincere belief that one issue has nothing to do with the other.

The real cause of the suicide rate among homosexuals, in my opinion, is more directly related to their homosexual orientation itself and with the issues that caused it, rather than it being related to any real or perceived endangerment a homosexual student or adult faces from his or her peers, because of their sexual orientation.

There are already laws in place in every state to protect all persons from harassment and assault, no matter what their sexual orientation may be. So we don't need special, "hate crime" legislation on the books to protect homosexuals.

Take the Netherlands, as an example. Homosexuality is an accepted and protected way of life there. Homosexuals there have achieved the accepted status in their society, to which the homosexual activists in America are still fighting for and lobbying our government to obtain. And yet this legislated acceptance has not lowered the suicide rate among homosexuals there in the least. Why? Because it was the unresolved pain from those issues that influenced and brought on their homosexual behavior in the first place, which was feeding their depression and leading them to consider suicide. That's why! And no amount of legislation will ever change the deep, moral convictions that so many people do attach to this issue, whether they clearly understand the underlying causes of homosexuality or not.

So please don't accuse me of fostering hatred through this article. Telling the truth as I have done here neither serves to endanger homosexuals, nor does it drive them further toward a suicidal depression. But rather, it educates an otherwise naive and uninformed public on the real issues of homosexuality. In this way, we do away with the animosity by fostering a genuine compassion toward the homosexual, unlike the false and misguided, "live and let live" compassion derived from these "gay safe zones" and indoctrination in our public schools. And it also begins the process of giving a real hope of freedom to those who feel trapped and bound up by their homosexuality, and the many other sexual, psychological and physical addictions related to it. It says to them, "There is another Way, freely available to you and to the whole world. And His name is Jesus Christ!"

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Addressing the Myth of Animal Homosexuality

Occasionally, animals can be observed to mount another of the same sex and engage in seemingly "homosexual" behavior. And so it is often argued that homosexuality is naturally occurring in nature, and therefore in human beings as well.

However, all of the scientific evidence shows that such behaviors and interactions in the animal kingdom, though they may appear to us to be homosexual, are actually crossovers between sexual and other animalistic instincts, most particularly that of social dominance. But the primal animal instinct toward sexual reproduction is always directed toward an individual animal of the opposite sex. Thus, any conclusion of "homosexual orientation" within the animal kingdom is completely false.

When one also considers other animal instincts, such as those that sometimes cause animals to eat their own offspring, then it becomes obvious why it is so very fallible to try to equate animal behavior to that of human beings for any purpose, and not just the topic at hand. And it is also why human beings are called to place godly reasoning above that of mere, animal instinct:

"Yet these men (the godless men who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality, verse 4) speak abusively against whatever they do not understand; and what things they do understand by instinct, like unreasoning animals-- these are the very things that destroy them!"
Jude, verse 10

In addition, we must also remember that in the Genesis account of creation, the animals were all created, "each according to its kind." But when God created us, he said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness. And let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground," the point here being that people were created in God's image, and the animals were not. And so for us to mimic any of our own behavior after that of an animal, rather than from that of God's own character, is behavior that is overtly contradictory to our true selves.

Even still, the scientific fact is that there is simply no such thing as a homosexual orientation within the animal kingdom to mimic.

For more information, you can link here to visit the N.A.R.T.H. Article about this specific topic.

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A Note on Gays in the Military

Homosexuals are indeed serving in the US Military services today, under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. In fact, homosexuals have in the past chosen, and will continue to choose in the future, to join the military services, regardless of policy. And granted, most of them have served and/or will serve their country honorably. So the questions of whether gays should be allowed entry into the military, or of the honor of their service when they do serve their country, are not so much the real questions, as it is, "Should they be allowed to serve openly?"

For those who may be unfamiliar, the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy itself is actually not the tallest barrier among the legislative roadblocks, which still stand in the way of allowing homosexuals to serve openly in the military. The biggest legislative obstacle is probably the fact that it is still against federal law for a homosexual to serve in any capacity, within the US Military. What the DADT policy stipulated, with regard to that federal law, is that we (meaning the US Government) will not ask about your sexual orientation or enforce the law, so long as you (the homosexual) agree to serve without revealing your sexual orientation to us, and will also refrain from engaging in homosexual activity while serving. If either of those discretionary requirements is proven to have been violated, then the federal law is still enforced, and the homosexual military member is usually discharged from military service, under less than honorable circumstances, for violating the federal law. So the law itself would have to be changed by the US Congress first, and then the DADT policy would also have to be rescinded. And new policies would then have to be put in place and enforced, which would allow homosexuals to serve openly, and which would also have to define the exact military boundaries of serving "openly," with regard to punitive considerations for violations of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which apply equally to all military service members.

Also keep in mind that homosexuals who do currently serve in the military, under the rules of the DADT policy, have chosen to do so voluntarily. No one forced them to be there. And if you have read the rest of this article, then you already know that I've explained why homosexuality is a person's behavior, rather than a person's identity. And so the honor, capability or recognition of one's military service is in no way validated by their sexual behavior, nor invalidated through the proper discretion of such behavior. Therefore, their sexual behavior should not become an issue of their military service now, that the Department of Defense should ever need to acknowledge, or cater to!

In fact, the Department of Defense has never even once had to acknowledge the sexuality of any heterosexual service member either, in order to somehow quantify their service to our nation, or validate the honorable nature thereof. So why should the DOD now be required to make this accommodation in the near future, for those homosexuals who also serve their country honorably?

The very necessary level of "brotherhood" and trust that is (and indeed must be) maintained among soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines, especially while depending upon one other during a time of war, could become an issue of jeopardy to our national security, if such behavioral issues were allowed to come out into the open among the ranks. Such revelations would place a strain on that necessary bond of unity, and distract military service members from their mission. Because the fact is that most active duty service members still regard such behavior as an issue of immorality, and one that is largely disruptive to, and incompatible with the closeness of most military service environments. And as a military veteran myself, I couldn't agree more.

The US Military services are simply no place for open homosexuality!

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A Note on Gay 'Marriage'

Apart from my obvious objections to "domestic partnerships" and "gay marriage" that arise from me holding to the traditional, biblical view of marriage, as being a God-ordained institution and spiritual covenant between one man and one woman, the major threat that gay 'marriage' imposes upon our society and way of life, is that such a union would require our government to sanction and protect it. But the only way our government can accomplish that is by suppressing our deeply-held family values and religious (more specifically, Judeo-Christian) beliefs. And that would turn into an open assault on religious liberty and freedom itself. In fact, open your eyes and you'll see that this is already happening right here in America... people actually being hauled off to jail, for simply expressing their Christian viewpoint that the practice of homosexuality is morally wrong.

Marriage is not something that human governments and societies can redefine on a whim. The marriage relationship has always existed between a man and a woman, because they can become "one flesh" within the relationship! Human governments have historically recognized and regulated marriage relationships in that context, because of the fact that in the marriage union, another human life was often created. And so governments recognized that it was in the best interest of the child for him or her to be nurtured and raised by the same two people who had brought the child into the world. But no two men or two women can create human life together. And therefore, whatever one chooses to call their homosexual cohabitation, such unions are not marriages, nor can they ever be! And yet our government is now tryng to redefine marriage itself, in order to include homosexual behavior. But homosexual behavior will always be just that: homosexual behavior! It has nothing to do with a marriage covenant, even if our society does succeed in attaching the "marriage" label to homosexual relationships.

Noted speaker and lecturer, Chuck Colson, of the Christian radio commentary program, Breakpoint, briefly describes these very real threats to our society and way of life, in the two radio spots located at the links provided in this section. I encourage you to give each of them a listen.

windows media player format:

Gay 'Marriage' and Soft Despotism

Outlawing Free Speech

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A Quick Look at Bisexuality

Bisexuality is a sexual preference toward partners of either gender, with the bisexual person having the trait of easily switching back and forth between their same or opposite genders, any time there is an opportunity for a new sexual partner to be chosen. In other words, it is really the absence of a fixed heterosexual or homosexual "orientation." So it is somewhat surprising to me that bisexuality is so often readily defended by advocates who support homosexuality. Because it seems to me that bisexuality itself tends to disprove some of their own arguments. The argument that people are born gay, for example.

If, as they say, people are born into their sexual orientation or preference, then how does one explain bisexuality in that context? I mean, would you describe such persons as heterosexuals who also dabble in homosexual behavior, or would it be the other way around? Or will they actually try to convince us that people are born this way too?

In essence, bisexuality is very much the same behavior pattern that homosexuality is, only on a part-time and often more discrete level. But they are indeed one in the same, within the sets of circumstances that cause such behaviors. And the very existence of bisexuality itself goes a long way toward proving that homosexual behavior can be taught, learned and enjoyed by otherwise heterosexual persons.

There really isn't much more that can be gained or said in further discussing bisexuality than that. And everything within this article that can be applied to homosexuality can just as accurately be said of bisexuality as well.

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HIV / AIDS and Other Health Issues

Information for this section is cited from the AFA article:
Compassionate Society Should Discourage Deadly Homosexual Behavior

The origin of HIV (the virus that causes AIDS), is now widely accepted to be the Simian Immunodeficiency Virus (SIV) which infects monkeys. SIV itself is not harmful to humans, however. And so there remain several different theories as to how SIV mutated into HIV, and then actually made the jump from a monkey to a human being.

The first known cases of AIDS appeared in the early 1980's, and spread most rapidly through the male, homosexual population, and also through intravenous drug abusers.

Now I do not believe that HIV nor AIDS itself, are a form of punishment from God upon homosexuals. In fact, I believe that point needs to be made both loudly and clearly. However, it is both a biblical principle, and a fact of everyday life, that there are indeed consequences to be faced for our actions. And the consequence of unprotected sex with multiple partners, and of sharing dirty needles with other drug users, was that the HI Virus spread very rapidly through those populations, and continues to do so today. But try to convince the child who has been infected through a blood transfusion, or the medical professional who was infected through an accidental needle stick, that this is God's punishment upon homosexuals... that's simply ludicrous!

Our "modern" society imposes significant social and legal restrictions on, and also spends millions of dollars urging Americans, particularly our children, to avoid life-threatening behavioral choices such as smoking, drug and alcohol abuse, drunk driving and promiscuous sex.

This rational, logical, and common-sense commitment to protecting our children from life-threatening activity is irrationally discarded, however, when it comes to any mention of the arguably deadly practice of homosexual behavior. Through the negligent pandering of enabling politicians and bureaucrats, particularly within our public schools, homosexual activists are still adamant on teaching our children, "it's okay to be gay," with no mention at all of the health implications so clearly proven to be associated with the lifestyle. For example:

Oxford University's International Journal of Epidemiology reports: "Life expectancy at age 20 years for gay and bisexual men is 8 to 20 years less than for all men. If the same pattern of mortality continues, we estimate that nearly half of gay and bisexual men currently aged 20 will not reach their 65th birthday."

The Medical Institute of Sexual Health [Executive Summary, "Health Implications Associated with Homosexuality," 1999] reported:
- "Homosexual men are at significantly increased risk of HIV/AIDS, hepatitis, anal cancer, gonorrhea and gastrointestinal infections as a result of their sexual practices."
- "Women who have sex with women are at significantly increased risk of bacterial vaginosis, breast cancer and ovarian cancer than are heterosexual women."
- "Domestic violence is... probably more common among homosexuals than among heterosexuals."
- "Significantly higher percentages of homosexual men and women abuse drugs, alcohol and tobacco than do heterosexuals."

The Advocate, a "national gay and lesbian newsmagazine," concurs that "lesbians are at higher risk of breast, cervical, and ovarian cancer."

The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention report that men who engage in homosexual behavior are 860% more likely to contract a sexually transmitted disease (STD), increasing up to 500% their risk of contracting HIV/AIDS. Men who have sex with men "have large numbers of anonymous partners, which can result in rapid, extensive transmission of STDs," the CDC warns. "Control of STDs is a central component of HIV infection prevention in the United States; resurgence of bacterial STD threatens national HIV infection prevention efforts."

Gay Health reported that men who have sex with men are 320% more likely than heterosexuals to have unprotected sex, without telling their partners they're HIV-positive.

And from Reuters: "'Gay men of all ages remain at an alarming risk,' a CDC spokesman told a news conference. Another CDC study confirms that young bisexual men are a 'bridge' for HIV transmission to women."

If society truly cares about homosexuals, and other people whom their high health-risk behavior threatens, should society play the role of "enabler" and tell them it's only "natural" to continue their self-destructive activity? Certainly not!

We wouldn't try to convince society that "it's only natural" if someone we cared about had convinced themselves that it's okay to smoke, do drugs, drive drunk, engage in promiscuous sex, or play Russian Roulette! And we certainly wouldn't allow them to teach this to our children. So my question is, "Then why are we allowing homosexuals and homosexual activists to do so?"

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I'm "Straight," So Help Me to Understand

The day I decided to add this section here, I had faced a situation that had hurt me emotionally, during an interaction with a trusted friend whom I'd recently confided in about my struggles with homosexual issues. But once I began to sort through my own hurt in the situation, I began to see how what had happened may have actually been my own fault, simply for a lack of communicating with him before the situation came about. And so my friend may have just been trying to help me in the way that he thought was best for me at the time.

In the situation, he came towards us to share some conversation with me, and with two more of his friends who were also there with me at the time. And in greeting all of us, he gave the other two men a hug, but then only gave me a smile and a nod.

Had I been alone in that moment, either way, receiving a hug or not receiving a hug from him would probably not have mattered much to me. But what hurt me was the fact that I had been treated differently than the other two men when he hugged the both of them, but then didn't hug me. And so I felt rejected, as if I were all alone in a crowded room. But how could he have known that what I actually desired and needed from him was to be given the same level of affection that he'd show toward any of his friends in that situation, when he knew nothing beforehand about how to help someone like myself? Unless I'd taken the time to explain such things to him first, he wouldn't know!

Open and honest communication is the best way to avoid any kind of misunderstanding, on either side of a friendship or relationship between two caring people. And so the two portions of this section that follow below will attempt to look at some of the dilemmas that will surely be faced, from both sides of the (for lack of a better description) "gay/straight" fence, as two people would try to interact and deal with the unwanted same-sex attraction and behavior issues that one of them seeks to overcome.

As a suggestion, perhaps reading together and then talking about some of the various sections of this article which have touched you personally, would be a good place to start such a conversation. I know it can be awkward to talk about such things at first. But such communication is a needed foundation in the journey toward genuine healing.

How Do I Help Someone Who Wants to "Change?"
If you are a "straight" person who desires to "help" a dear friend or relative through overcoming such issues, then the first thing you will need to understand is that you can't "change" your loved one. Your loved one must have the desire to want to change their homosexual behaviors for his or her own self, or you will only find yourself driving a wedge between the two of you, in the relationship you've shared.

The best you can hope to do, if they are not already aware of the underlying issues to homosexual behavior, is to perhaps discuss some of them by reading together some of the sections of this article that you felt best described their situation. And then you can talk with each other about such things in a supportive and caring way. But if they still don't want to seek change, then you can't force them to desire to.

The most important thing you can do for them otherwise, is to continue to love them, pray for them, and be a good friend to them, without seeming to condone sexual behaviors which you know and believe are harmful to them. And realize that rejecting them as a person will probably only exacerbate some of the issues that caused their behaviors in the first place.

When someone does confide in you about the struggles they have had with homosexual behaviors, believe me... the very real fear of rejection is lurking over them in that moment, until they get some reassuring response back from you. So please, don't delay in assuring them that you feel even closer to them, that they would trust you enough to confide in you about such things. Because this really is a huge and frightening step for those people who have kept such struggles hidden from other people, over the years. And they'll desire your reassurance more than anything else, immediately after sharing such struggles with you.

If a friend or loved one seeks your support in dealing with such issues, then treat them the way you would treat any person whom you love and care about, especially in the presence of other people of their own gender to whom you would give your affection toward. Withholding affection will only give them the feeling that they are being rejected, or that you are uncomfortable to be close to them. Because those who desire to change also desire to feel accepted and included, especially by persons of their own gender.

If there is some situation you face where you are unsure of how you should respond to, interact with, or support your loved one, then simply ask them in a loving way how you can best help them or respond to their needs in a legitimate way. Ask how you can best make them feel accepted and loved. But certainly do avoid any misguided "help" of just trying to encourage him or her to go on being homosexual, when it's something that they don't feel comfortable being.

And if you are a person who faces the unexpected news that your spouse has either had a homosexual affair, or is dealing with homosexual behavior issues, you must not blame yourself for their behaviors. And hopefully, in time, you can find the compassion and forgiveness to understand that they probably don't even understand it themselves, and that there are underlying issues of hurt and pain from their childhood that have contributed to their homosexual attractions and/or behaviors.

And for my brothers and sisters who are Christian, faith-believing church members: I can't begin to describe to you here, the degree of damage that has been done inside of our own sanctuaries, all across America, within the wrongful attitudes that have been presented verbally toward homosexuality, and toward those who've had such attractions. Whether it be from casual conversation before and after church, or from out of a sermon itself that made mention of the issue, any sense of even a hint of a lack of compassion in our words, and such persons in our midst will shut down permanently, with the expectation that they would never be able to turn to the members of our congregations for the help that they may have actually been hoping to find there. Because, in their own hearts, many of them have become convinced of the lie that "God hates me." So our words need to offer them real hope again, and not just conviction. Our compassion needs to see and love the person who is hurting on the inside, beyond just looking at the sin that seems to draw most of our attention on the surface. And if believers won't love them back to Christ, then the world will continue to convince them that it's best to just remain as they are.

How Do I Seek Help From Someone Who's "Straight?"
When you are a person who desires to be free from your same-sex attractions and homosexual behaviors, you will quickly find that you'll need another person with whom you can confide in and talk to about such things. If not a spouse, then my recommendation is that the person you choose be a trusted friend or relative, of your own gender, who is "straight." But as I also discovered in the situation I faced and just told you about directly above, there are some things we need to communicate before we just lay issues like these into another person's hands. This is in order to avoid the false expectation that they're automatically going to know how to provide the support that we need from them the most.

A person who has never had to deal with same-sex attractions before, for example, might not realize that the best thing they can do for us is to treat us "normally." Granted, "normal" will most certainly look different from one person to another, especially when it comes to their affections toward other people. But the important thing for us to express to them is that we want them to love us and to show us the same affection that they are comfortable with, and would normally show toward any one of their closest friends.

Without us communicating this to them, the other person may actually believe that they need to withhold affection from us, in order to protect us from having the feelings that we are trying to overcome, when what we actually need and desire is legitimate affection from them, to replace the illegitimate sexual behaviors that we've looked to for comfort in the past. So you'll have to explain such things to them clearly.

When you finally do decide to confide in another person about the struggles you have had with homosexual behaviors, I know that the very real fear of rejection is a lurking reality in taking that huge step toward recovery. And they may not know what to say to you right away. So if you want to avoid the added anxiety of waiting for their reaction, then perhaps you should also be honest in telling them, "Take all the time you need to process this, but please let me know that you don't think any less of me for confiding in you about this. I need your encourgement more than ever right now." The person you confide in will surely respond quickly to such a plea, if they care anything about you at all.

A person may also try to "help" us by encouraging us to accept our homosexuality, with the added reassurance that they don't think any less of us because of it. So you will need to be prepared to explain why homosexual behavior is not right for you personally, and that your desire is to change, rather than to become comfortable with such behaviors. So ask them to support your desire to change, rather than hold you back by encouraging you to accept and remain in a behavior pattern that you are uncomfortable with, and don't want to participate in any longer.

A spouse who suddenly becomes aware of such issues in your life will also be a dilemma. So, hopefully, you would share such things with your spouse prior to the marriage, and certainly before any incident takes place that might then jeopardize your marriage, in order to keep your spouse from blaming his or herself in some way for your homosexual behavior. And I can certainly add here how very fortunate I am today, that I was honest with my spouse about such things, prior to our marriage. She has been a big encouragement to me throughout our marriage, because of that honesty.

But in the unfortunate event that you do betray the trust of your spouse through a homosexual affair, then it is very important to let your spouse know, without a doubt, that your behavior issues are not their fault, so that they will not feel guilty themselves, thinking that their own actions have caused your behavior in some way. So you will need to come to grips with your own actions by taking responsibility for them first. And then you'll have to try to sort through and understand your own behaviors, so that you can clearly explain them to your hurting spouse. Because there are root issues that have caused you to seek acceptance from people of your own gender, in a sexual way; issues which really have nothing at all to do with sex. Again, this article might be a good place to try and discuss such things with them.

We who struggle with such things also need to have the compassion toward our brothers and sisters in Christ, to help them understand what it is that we're dealing with, without seeming to rationalize it, condone it, or make excuses for sinful behavior. More simply said, this is a complicated issue for those who simply can't relate to the struggles we have with homosexual attractions, as well as it is for us. After all, they have never experienced it themselves. So how could they possibly understand something we ourselves are still trying to understand, unless we speak of it more openly?

On both sides of the fence (the Christians who struggle with homosexual attraction, and those who don't), the fear of dealing with this issue, or of even bringing it up, I believe, is the real obstacle for us to overcome. That's because of the way it's been spoken of so very often, without any compassion at all, in most of the "church" conversations I've overheard about the issue.

So the taboo over the subject is there, no doubt. But we need to be willing to openly discuss this with one another if indeed we are to be the Body of Christ that Jesus comissioned us all to be. Because all of us need each other in our struggles, no matter what they are. And our brothers and sisters who have not struggled with homosexuality have surely struggled with something else that they may, just as much as we, fear admitting to us.

These are just a few of the situations that we may face. But compassion and loving communication is the key that will overcome these and many other situations which weren't addressed here.

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The Final Analysis ~ Because It All Boils Down to This

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Jesus Christ, Matthew 7:13-14

In the final analysis of life itself, either you believe, as the Bible tells us, that there is only one God who is the Creator of us all, or you don't. There really is no room for middle-ground there. But if in fact you are going to believe in the God of the Judeo-Christian Bible, then you must also accept the fact that the Bible tells us clearly that homosexual behavior is a sin! And therefore the logic in that tells us that God would certainly not create any of us to be gay, since he has spoken against homosexuality in the Bible. Therefore, fallen mankind himself must be directly responsible in some way, for the homosexual condition that is found within us.

Biblically speaking, this reasoning leaves us with only two basic groups of people, and only two different positions that a person can hold, with regard to homosexuality:

Only Two Groups of People
1. Those who have experienced homosexuality
2. Those who have not

Only Two Positions to Hold
1. Either you believe the Bible on this issue
2. Or you don't

Taking any other, "middle of the road" position is to, in essence, live in Laodecia on this issue (a reference to Revelation 3:14-16). In other words, you're being "lukewarm" about it, just as the Laodecian believers were being lukewarm about other spiritual matters, which also turns Christ's stomach sour, according to that same passage. So my suggestion is that you don't "live in Laodecia," in the stand you take on homosexuality, rather you have experienced it yourself, or not.

There is no single set or combination of circumstances which are a "formula" that will always lead to homosexual behavior, in every individual. Because most situations are as individually unique as are the persons who are shaped by them. And the ways in which different people will respond to the same set of events, situations and/or circumstances, will always vary to some extent from person to person, because of that uniqueness. But the fact remains that such trigger patterns to homosexual behavior do indeed exist within our humanity; patterns such as those I've described here, and others, which have common factors and parallels among them.

But the most common thread among them all is that these situations each caused brokenness, scars, and misinterpreted feelings inside of the people who were touched and shaped by them, which led them to a wrong sexual choice, which then became a sexual orientation and addiction. And homosexuality has clearly proven itself to be just one of a larger number of different behavior patterns, which are often cultivated in such environments.

Given the right circumstances, history has proven to us that such behaviors can even be just as easily taught and learned, when whole societies cast off moral convictions and restraint to embrace eroticism, in man's sinful and fallen state. Societies like ancient Rome and ancient Greece demonstrated this to be true. And let us not too quickly forget about the biblical account of Sodom and Gomorrah, either!

Nonetheless, ultimately and biblically speaking, it is we ourselves who are individually responsible for the choices and decisions we've made. Therefore we must also each take an individual responsibility for who we'll choose to be from this moment on, my simple point being this: Even though homosexual desires come about mostly through environments and circumstances which are well beyond one's own control, the choice to actually engage in homosexual behaviors remains just that... a choice!

You do, of course, still have the free will to live your life, trying to heal your wounded soul and trying to fill up your need for God, by chasing after unhealthy, sexual passions and lusts. And you certainly wouldn't be alone in your pursuit. People all over the world try again and again, everyday, to fulfill their basic human need of God, with everything but God himself! But such things can never fulfill our deeper need of that true relationship with Him restored back into our daily lives. And still, in spite of the many wrong choices we've made, and in spite of the many wrong choices we'll probably make again in the future, God continually inspires and invites each of us to find a new identity and our true fulfillment in Him, through Jesus Christ, his Son.

If you would like to, you will be able to see an outline of the Biblical salvation I spoke of within these Scripture verses:

Romans 3:23, 6:23, 5:8, 10:9-10 & 10:13
Matthew's Gospel 6:33
John's Gospel 3:16-18
1st John 5:11-12 and
Acts 4:10-12

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What Should I Expect? Where Do I Go From Here?

"I know that nothing good lives in me; that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing! Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me."
The Apostle Paul, Romans 7:18-21

"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense-- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world."
The Apostle John, 1st John 2:1-2

I found my new identity at the age of 19 in the person and Deity of Jesus Christ. And the confidence I found in God's unconditional love assures me today that God never gave my sin any greater weight or bearing against me, than he did any one else's sin against them. The same is true for you. Because all sin is filthy and utterly evil in God's eyes, no matter what it is. And so it is all equally unwelcome in God's Holy presence. Bottom line: We all sin... We all need to be forgiven.

If you are a person who desires to be freed from your homosexual tendencies and behavior, you already have a distinct advantage that I did not, just by having all of this information available to you here in one place. It is the benefit of sharing with you in a moment, some of what it took me years to discover and sort out in the learning of it all. And I'm still learning! Because this was not an overnight process of change for me. I made mistakes, took wrong turns, and I don't believe that I could ever have continued on without God's love, help and faithfulness.

This is a sometimes difficult, day-by-day process that takes time, commitment, determination. And there was a lot of mental renewing I had to work through, mostly in understanding the truth of God's own Word about the new person I actually am, so that I could begin to see myself differently through the eyes of Jesus Christ, and stop thinking of myself as "gay." And while I do hope and pray for an easier journey for others, there will most probably be some setbacks and struggles for you to work through as well. So the Bible says to "work out your salvation." In other words, don't just test the waters of God's love and grace expecting only to give up on him, or that he'll give up on you. But rather, jump in with both feet, knowing that God is joyfully committed to loving you! And His promise is to never leave you or abandon you.

In the first set of verses directly above, taken from his letter to the believers in Rome, it is plain to see that even the Apostle Paul struggled with temptation and sin. So as a Christian, please don't ever fall into Satan's trap of discouragement by having a false expectation that you won't ever be tempted toward sinning again in your areas of weakness. But instead, realize as Paul did that You are no longer your sins, and that temptations are not to define who you are as a believer in Jesus Christ. Instead, allow Jesus to define who you are, and believe what God's Scripture says about you as a believer, in spite of the temptations that may still come and assault you. And realize that freedom from sin is an obedience that is learned through a faith relationship, over time, both in and out of temptation.

Do you want to know how a person begins to practice this discipline of obedience? Most often it is by actually choosing something else over the temptation, rather than just trying to struggle with it or resist it. Like the Bible says, "those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires." And the Spirit of God is living on the inside of every true believer's heart! "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." Therefore find something, anything, that is good to do instead of dwelling on a temptation. And then actually go and do that good thing instead! It will take your mind off of the tempting thought, and it will begin to train your mind to think on other things when temptation comes at you. In Christ, a believer is no longer helpless to be able to choose good over evil. In fact, God empowers every believer to be able to do so.

In the beginning, most of my struggles of temptation were with the many mental images, memories, habits, and in the unlasting, empty excitement and false comfort I had come to depend so much upon during homosexual activity. And all of these left psychological and emotional scars on my soul through experiencing this orientation. But grace came to me and did the things I was powerless to do or to change, once I recognized and admitted my own inability to God in these areas, and asked him for his grace to overcome each one.

And God desires us to see him as our Father; our "Dad." So I also had to work around my expectations of what a Father had been to me, and realize that God's love and character is perfect. His is not at all like the previous example given to me of a Father, by my Dad. God was not angry or resentful toward me for failing to live up to some standard. God's complete willingness, rather, is in demonstrating his love to each of us through grace, so that we in turn can learn to love others, and love our own children, in the very same way he has first loved us. In short, I had to swallow my pride and become completely dependent on and trusting toward God, and in his love toward me.

With my continued commitment to Jesus Christ and His ongoing commitment to me, I did learn about God's abundant grace. And those habits, temptations and scars have all diminished, one by one, as I continued to walk in a right relationship with Jesus Christ. Whenever an occasional feeling of loneliness or inadequacy tries to steer me back in the opposite direction back toward homosexuality, I've learned now that I can trust God's grace to control such temptations rather than allowing them to control me. And God's grace is always completely sufficient to do that! And I've learned to trust God that my real comfort is always found in Him, rather than in any of those superficial things which are now behind me.

It all sounds impossible, I know. And on our own it would be! But Jesus never asked any of us to take this journey alone. Jesus takes every step of this journey with us. And there comes also a fellowship of other believers who are called to lock arms with you and encourage you along the way, if you'll share your struggles with them. Because each of them also has their own struggles with sin. But in the end, the miracles done are God's doing, not ours, so that it will be plain to everyone that what has been done in us has been done by God through our belief in Jesus Christ.

You see, in Jesus we find a very personal God who is not at all unfamiliar with our weaknesses, or our daily struggles with sin as human beings. Because God himself became human through Jesus Christ! And the Bible assures us that Jesus was "tempted in every way, just as we are." And yet He was without sin! So Jesus is well able to understand what we face when we are tempted, and he is also able to help us overcome each temptation that comes at us.

I had sometimes wondered to myself if Jesus was ever actually tempted by homosexual sin? And you will probably never hear a sermon preached in any church over that one! But think about it... the Bible itself assures us that Jesus was indeed tempted "in every way." And so Jesus also understands the struggles with homosexuality that some of us must face.

And on that same note, here's another passing thought of my own, that I think also goes hand-in-hand: Many biblical scholars also say, because Joseph (Jesus' earthly father) is never mentioned again later on in the Gospel accounts of Christ's ministry, as is his birth mother, Mary, then Joseph most probably died earlier in Jesus' human lifetime, while Jesus was still a boy. If this is true, then Jesus also understands and experienced the void in earthly, father-son relationships that so often contribute to homosexual behaviors. Indeed, Jesus understands every part of who we are.

I assure you, by the awareness of God's own Spirit in my heart, and by the promise of God's love toward us, that all of this is true. And so I know that it is God's good pleasure to also do the very same things for you as he has done for me, and for so many others! But you'll never know for yourself until you ask him to, and receive the gift of the life he's offered to us through believing in his Son.

The new self-image I adopted is this: "God has made me a Child of God! And now I am a new person in him!" So then I refused to identify or think of myself any longer as "gay" or "homosexual," in spite of the many temptations I still faced. And I had to realize that having a mere human temptation does not in any way diminish or invalidate the complete Salvation that Jesus provided for us. God remains with us, in and out of temptation! And the godly inspiration of his Spirit inside of us continues to drive us toward becoming more Christ-like, by clinging to God when we feel as if we want to give up or give in. So when temptations come, I've learned to cry out to God for his help, admitting my own inability to overcome homosexual desires, and seeking his gift of grace to do what I knew I could not do. This is extremely important to remember in the battle to overcome any sin, not just homosexuality. Please allow me to explain why that is so.

At the very moment I put my hope and trust in Christ, he saved me just as I was, just as he promises to do, right in the middle of all of the dirt and filth from my homosexual and other sins. So, from that moment, my own spirit was alive again; clean and reborn at that point, and no longer separated from God. But my soul, (the mind with which I think, the emotions with which I feel and the free will with which I choose), my soul was still conditioned by the ways of this world and my life as I had known it up to that point. But this is true of all new believers. The Apostle Paul calls it the "flesh," and the "old nature." And so the Bible says to the Christian, not to allow themselves to be conformed any longer to that old pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our mind with God's truth, and God's Word is Truth. And in like manner, the Bible also says that our faith, which is of greater value than gold, comes by hearing and continuing to hear the Word of God. Relationship is the key on both counts.

It has been said, and rightfully so, that religion is what we do to try to win God's favor and draw close to him, while Christianity is what God, in fact, did to draw close to us and win our hearts back to himself. So rather than through religion, it is the Spirit of God's own Son, and his Word, that together accomplish the task of renewing our minds from our old nature way of thinking, to a new and higher way of thinking within a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

Since God's Word is always true, this is what I have found to be true in my own relationship with God, through his Son: When I assert myself to stay close to Christ, he stays close to me. When I take the time daily to listen to God by reading his Bible, and take the time daily to talk with God through prayer, then I find that temptations come less frequently and are not so powerful an influence over me any more, because of the self-control God's Spirit of Grace gives to me. But when I neglect my relationship with God by not doing those things; as within any relationship, then I begin to loose touch with him, and we become like strangers all over again. And soon the temptations would return, coming more often and becoming much more difficult to overcome again.

Will the temptations toward homosexual behaviors ever completely cease to come at us? In this lifetime, I honestly don't know. But I do continue to find hope that they will, because I can indeed assure you that they have significantly diminished over time, as I've continued to live my life by turning to Jesus Christ, and finding in him a Father who is slowly healing me from each of those specific things in my childhood that actually caused my homosexual desires. But since Satan knows of our vulnerability and weakness towards this sin, and because of the addictive hold it has had upon us, I suspect that its temptations will not cease completely, so long as we do remain in this body, where sin also still lives as a traitor within our own flesh.

After this life, the Bible tells us that we will have a new body, without sin, that can never die. And so sin's power over us will finally be gone, forever. But here, I suspect that there will remain a need to always stay somewhat guarded against opening ourselves up to the lures of sin, especially in those areas where we are more vulnerable. That is why Jesus teaches us, as we walk with him in daily fellowship, to "die" to the sins that live in us, and to "live" our lives for God through him, and with the help of his Holy Spirit that lives inside of those of us who are believers in Jesus Christ. Because loving God, and living for him, is a choice we will each have to continue to make, even after becoming a Christian.

Those times that I do regret, when I did fall back into sin; it's not that God ever left me. Because God was never more than a prayer away, and his Spirit was always inside of me, constantly whispering to my conscience, "I miss you. When are you coming home, son? Please return to me, and know in your heart that I have always loved you." Yes, it was always that I had abandoned my relationship with him in some way, rather than the other way around. So, "Remain in me and I will remain in you," Jesus promised. And he always has!

My friend, Christianity is a way of life. It's not something we only do for a couple of hours on Sunday. Christianity is a daily walk and relationship with God himself, that God himself actively participates in with us. It's not just another form of religion. And it's so much more than I could ever begin to describe to you here. But I hope that I have somehow encouraged you to want to experience Christianity for yourself.

There is a prayer offered in the "Closing Remarks" section below, that you can say in order to ask Jesus Christ to come into your life. I encourage you to take that step of faith and become a Christian. And also, the link provided below to the courses offered at Setting Captives Free is an excellent place to begin to learn how to apply these biblical principles in your life each day. So I invite you to see about enrolling into the "Door of Hope" course as you link there. And here are just a few more Scriptures that form the foundation for the things I have shared with you above:

Isaiah 55:11,
John's Gospel 15:4-5,
Romans 6:6-14, 7:21-25, 8:5-17 & 12:1-3,
1st Corinthians 6:9-1 & 14:33,
2nd Corinthians 5:16-21,
Galatians 5:16-26,
Ephesians 4:17-24,
Philippians 2:12-13 & 3:12-14,
Hebrews 4:15, and
1st Peter 1:3-9

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Closing Remarks

"You are to help your brothers until the Lord gives them rest, as he has done for you, and until they too have taken possession of the land that the Lord your God is giving them. After that, you may go back and occupy your own land..."
Joshua 1:14-15

If there is any good to be found in the journey and struggles that I've been through, then that goodness is most certainly found in the way it has equipped me to help other people who are facing these same difficulties in their own lives. Because God's purpose is to show his love to people, by bringing other people into their lives who've also been where they are. And we are to show you God's love by actually helping you to also come through it.

God has blessed me with a loving wife and two wonderful children since coming to know his Son. This is now our seventeenth year together as husband and wife, and Jesus remains not only the center of my life, but of our marriage and of our family as well. He is Lord over it all. And as Paul Harvey so eloquently puts it, "Now you know the rest of the story."

But here is some final food for thought that also fits: In spite of the stand our culture is now taking on this issue, remember that most of the common, civilized world, apart from Christopher Columbus and a few others, once held to the reasoning that the Earth was flat. But in opposition to that once held popular belief, in the Bible, God has always said that the Earth is a round sphere. So the truth of the matter was right there in the Bible all along.

I say that to make this point: I know that in and of myself, I am incapable of changing anyone's mind on this issue. Besides, that is the Holy Spirit's job, not mine. However, the truth of this issue has also been right there in the Bible all along. Yet the simple fact of the matter is that no one will ever change who is unwilling to do so, because God will not force his will upon anyone in this lifetime. God can and will persuade you in your heart to make the right choices and decisions. But he won't make those decisions for you. Because your life is a precious gift from him. And the freedom God gave to us all is in having this life's opportunity to choose for ourselves where the boundary lies between absolute truth, and shades of gray.

Knowing in my heart that God is willing to do for others what he has done for me, I share my life openly here in the sincere hope that someone else who desires it might also find the freedom that I now have in knowing Jesus Christ. So I want to invite you to join me on that journey of knowing him in your own life, right now, before you exit this page. It's in leading hurting and broken people into this personal relationship with Jesus Christ that has always been my heart's first ambition in sharing my story, both here and one on one with people.

God's Word is alive every bit as much as God himself is alive. And God continues to show me new and more wonderful truths from his Word each day, even in passages I have read through a hundred times before. It all continues to make this journey with Him all the more worth while, and the final rewards of it more and more enticing with each passing day.

It's the homosexual sin that God hates. Not the person who is enslaved by it! Because God despises the sin but loves the person. God loves us all and only desires what is best for each one of us. He is against sin not because it is enjoyable, but because it will kill us in the end and keep those who've embraced it separated from God throughout all eternity.

We were created to have a relationship with God before Satan introduced the human race to sin. God wants us back! So he is looking for a family of children in as many of us who will trust him long enough to discover again just how long, how high, how deep and how wide his love for us truly is.

The painting directly below is a powerful image called, Forgiven, by Thomas Blackshear. In the image you see a broken man, not at all unlike any one of us, collapsed into Jesus' loving arms. Look closely and you'll see that the man is still holding the mallet and a large nail by which Christ was crucified, and which also symbolizes his many sins. And of course we see Jesus Christ, holding onto him tightly in forgiveness, and promising never to let him go.

You too can begin your own wonderful journey of forgiveness and new life with God, right now, by saying this simple prayer to him from your own heart:

A Prayer for Salvation in Jesus Christ

"God, I realize that I am a sinner. And I'm asking you for your forgiveness. I don't understand it all right now, but I'm willing to trust you for the answers I don't have. I do believe that Jesus is your Son. I also believe that he exchanged his good and blameless life for my sinful one, when he died for me on the cross. So he died in my place that day. And God, I believe that you raised Jesus up from the dead. He lives his life for you today and helps me to also live my life for you now, because you raised him to life again as Lord over all things. Please also send your Holy Spirit now, to live inside my heart and to help me to become more like Jesus in my character every day. And I thank you for making me one of your own children, and for receiving me back into your family forever, Father. All of this I pray in the name of your Son, Jesus, the Christ whom you sent to save us. Amen."

If you said that prayer, I welcome you to the Family of God!

I also welcome your comments, and I will be happy to share more about a relationship with Jesus Christ with anyone who desires to know more about him. You may contact me by e-mail below. Godspeed, and may God Bless you all!

I offer now my sincere thanks to God Almighty, and to his Son, Jesus Christ, for giving me the courage to complete this project. May it help, encourage and inspire all who visit here, for God's own glory. In Christ's wonderful Name, Amen. <><

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An Open Letter and Update

February 16, 2006

Dear Friends,

So much healing has transpired in the five years since I originally set my heart to the task of writing down my testimony here that I thought I would also share with you some of the healing that has taken place since then, just by praying and trusting God, and allowing him to work.

Two summers ago, a strange thing happened to me shortly after reading a book called, Wild at Heart. I enjoyed the book so much that I actually read it twice, just to absorb anything else I might have missed when I read it through the first time.

One afternoon shortly thereafter, I was relaxing in a warm shower and still meditating over the many things I had learned and identified with in reading this book. And in my pondering, God really began to deal with me in my heart over some of the relationship issues I'd had with my Dad. And as God dealt with me, I just broke down and started uncontrollably crying and grieving over him, almost as if my Dad had died. And in a very big way, I guess my Dad had died to me many years earlier, within the environment that was created through his alcoholism. While I was growing up it had been as if the person I knew as my Dad had died to me even while he lived on, because my relationship with him had not been what I desired for it to be for such a very long time. But that day I was suddenly able to see my Dad in a different light, finding compassion and forgiveness for him as a hurting and broken person, in the very same way I knew that I had also felt like a broken person for most of my own adult life.

I think it was in that moment that I realized how much I still loved my Dad, and that I missed him terribly, knowing then the great cost in all that had been lost in our relationship to his addiction. And also in that moment, I feared for the first time that I was going to loose him all over again when physical death came. To me, this was a miracle God was able to work in me through my ongoing willingness to forgive past hurts, and take responsibility for my own sins.

But greater still, is the miracle in what God has simultaneously begun to do in healing my Dad's broken relationship with his Dad, thereby working to heal the entire chain of hurts and brokenness that spanned three generations to reach me.

My Dad has begun communicating with his biological father again after they'd gone 45 years of not speaking with one another, and their relationship is being restored because of it. And my Dad has also cut way back on his drinking as well, so that the real person I remember as my Dad is once again becoming visible to me in his renewed soberness. And words can't fully express the joy and healing of scars that all of this has brought to me.

I am just so thankful to God! His faithfulness to me has been awesome and wonderful, and I love him for it.

With Love in Christ Jesus,

Dean

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Additional Self-Help Resource Links:

I hope that my story has been helpful to you, or can perhaps be helpful to someone else you had in mind as you linked to this page. With that desire in mind, I have included some additional resource links as a source of self-help. Each link provided offers some additional, helpful information surrounding the subject of homosexuality and homosexuals. Note: When linking to these organizations where a type-in "search" box is available, an on-site search using the word "homosexuality" will assist you in finding the specific information that is offered at some of those individual websites.

Go to the Self-Help Resource Links

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The Biblical, Theological Facts on Homosexuality:

Click the image to the left to be taken to an excerpt from the Baker Theological Dictionary Of The Bible. This additional information on homosexuality is offered as a theological supplement to the testimonial information contained in the article you've just read.

Do you want to look up a Bible verse? You can do so at no cost by simply clicking on this link. But I also encourage you to purchase your own Bible very soon, and to begin reading it daily as a healthy practice of devotion and study.

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Outreach Donations Accepted!

I do accept donations for outreach ministry efforts. 100% of any amount you desire to give (less PayPal's transaction fees) will be tagged and used for the purpose of Christian evangelical outreach ministry to the homosexual community. Since I am not an official ministry organization, however, though greatly appreciated, your donation is not tax deductible. The button below will allow you to give a financial gift through a secure, online PayPal transaction. Thank you, and God bless!

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I'd Like to Hear from You!

You are invited to contact me with any comment, question or concern that you may have as a result of reading my testimony or this article. Please, communicate any disagreement in a civil tone, and I will try to address your concerns. Vulgarity or rude comments will only result in one reply, and the blocking of your e-mail address from my mailbox.

Just click on the mailbox to e-mail your comments & questions to
mail@beyondtheshadesofgray.org

Go to Our Listing of Self-Help Resources

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